Im not sure if its my speakers here but it seems to be lacking a fair bit of top end. Get some nice clicky hats in there and EQ the snare (usually a 200hz boost or something) to bring it through the mix. As regards your message about your feel for the structure of the tune, that will come with time of doing more and more tunes imo.
i think your synths are cool. good work. and its a fun idea to keep everything lowpassed. but i dont dig on the drums and the bass, so i recommend you get a 24 bit apache and do a huge edit and add an even bigger sub.