Tips for survival of oncoming wild animal attacks

jmzmaloney

ENTHUSED WITH ETHNOGRAPHIC PLUNDERPHONICS
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#1
In light of the lion roaming Essex I think its a good idea to share tips of survival against beasts trying to tear us limb from limb

If you come against a shark best thing to do is swim below it not away from it, when you gain the lower ground, swim as fast as you can at the bastard with a thunderous headbut just below the chin, grab it round the waist and flip it upside down, paralysing it, then do what you will

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fractal

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#2
as it charges at you time your jump perfectly, land on its back then commandeer it as a vehicle and roll around all boss and shit
 

Catsel

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#3
if a bear comes at u and attacks, fight back. when a bear sees that their victim is willing to fight to the death he'll use anything and everything as a weapon- rocks, sticks, fish and your teeth, if hes got them. once the bear is done tossing you around and thinks your dead it won’t think you’re threatening. continue to fight back as this will attract other bears to your location.

bears are known for waiting around to see if their victim will get back up.

hope this helps.
 

SIRUS

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#5
a guy once told me the best way to approach rabid wolves was to get in close with a loving gaze and approach slowly singing the lion kings circle of life. then when within touching distance jam your thumb in its arse. in fact he claimed that worked for any animal,and had a dirty thumb to prove it. although I think maybe he was just into bestiality.

morris dancing is also a little known prevention from owl attacks, and thankfully with fearless regard for safety, morris dancers churn out uniformed hankerchief step grooves for our benefit with little reward for themselves. such and amazing job they do, to this day there has never been one owl attack. it's safe to say we owe the morris dancing community a heck of a dang lot, as without them what carnage and terror become us from such turny headed winged beasts of the night. a harrowing thought, you'll agree.
 

troublemakers

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#8
if a bear comes at u and attacks, fight back. when a bear sees that their victim is willing to fight to the death he'll use anything and everything as a weapon- rocks, sticks, fish and your teeth, if hes got them. once the bear is done tossing you around and thinks your dead it won’t think you’re threatening. continue to fight back as this will attract other bears to your location.

bears are known for waiting around to see if their victim will get back up.

hope this helps.
LMAO!! Made my day man, thanks!!
 

JHSE23

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#10
When facing a pack of hungry hungry hippos ones best chance of survival is coercion, appeal to the hippos sensitive side. Tactics include sexual advances, flattery, and the brandishing of flowers.
 

Fes Rock

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#11
Not true, although striking a shark below the waste with your thumb in its anus makes it secrete large amounts of juice, which can be used as a smoke screen to hide while u tear its organs out with your rambo knife, then cary it out on your back.. Bitches love sharks. Just dont tell them you finger banged the sharks bum and give them the sharky sanches
 

Kenneth4Eva

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#12
i wouldnt be surprised if there was a lion wandering around Essex. there's been sightings in scotland of large black cats. big enough to kill sheep
 

Kenneth4Eva

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#14
heard they are trying to bring a small group of wolves back into the highlands of scotland to help control the rain deer population. would be messy getting hunted by those fucks
 

elmaruk

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#15
i was once barked, growled, tormented by a pack of angry rabid dogs whilst walking to get some cigerettes in thailand. that was probably one of the scarier moments of my life to date.
 

IV4

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#16
In America we don't take no shit from the native animals. This is what you do when a bear stills our salmon.
 
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Catsel

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#17
the Tibetan Apso or Ground Wookie is so rare.. its voluptuous cascading hair is priceless.

if you confront one of these. shoot it. with a Tibetan bronze fire axe. if you don't have an axe. run.

 

EWOKS

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#19
need tips as im going to the jungle soon on some weird initiation thing where i have to survive with basically nothing with 6 dudes.. theres gunna be so much semen
 

jmzmaloney

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#20
What you need to do is go in bold as brass first night, say "one of yous getting fucked tonight, I'm the daddy here", 3am find a log and jam it right up your ass, blood curdling screams throughout the night, wakes them all up, until dawn breaks, constant screaming. When you meet for breakfast in the morning each will be looking at each other trying to work out who gut goosed, but will assume the bumees keeping schtum. Walk out in a thong and say "I had a lovely night", no one will fuck with you after that. Chin a sloth for added affect
 
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