The Joke Thread

[Mulla]

Name speaks for itself really!!! Heres one to get us started:

Loads of people are on a plane, when suddenly the air hostess comes rushing in and says "Im sorry, but the planes fucked and were gonna crash!". As you can expect, most people arent very happy but their attentions are caught by a certain Claudia Schiffer (on her way to Milan for modelling) who suddenly stands up and starts applying some make-up! The man next to her says "Errr, excuse me - were all gonna die! Why the hell are you putting make-up on?". Claudia replies "Well these days, rescue teams are always all men, so obviously theyre going to rescue all the prettiest ladies first". Suddenly, Kate Moss stands up (whose also on her way to a modelling job) and starts playing with her bra and pushing her tits up. After watching in amazement for a few minutes, the man next to her says "Why on earth are you playing with your tits", to which she replies "Well everyone knows rescue teams are all men, and men love women with big tits and hard nips, so they'll come and find me first!".
All of a sudden, Naomi Cambell stands up and rips off her knickers and starts fingering herself! The man next to her looks in amazement and asks what shes doing "Are you thick?" she replies "Everyone knows the first thing they look for on planes is the black box!"

BOOM BOOM!!!

 

[klusta]

:thumbsup:

 

[Mulla]

You have any witty anecdotes you could amuse us with, Mr Klusta?

 

[tenbellys]

lol

 

[Mulla]

Just been told a couple more:

Q: What do you call a prostitute with a runny nose?
A: Full!

Q: What should you do if your girlfriend starts smoking?
A: Slow down and put some more lube on!


You can post your own ones up ya know.......

 

[klusta]

A young lady in the maternity ward just prior to labour is asked by the
midwife if she would like her husband to be present at the birth.
"I'm afraid I don't have a husband" she replies
"O.K. do you have a boyfriend?" asks the Midwife "No, no boyfriend
either."
"Do you have a partner then?"
"No, I'm unattached, I'll be having my baby on my own."
After the birth the midwife again speaks to the young woman. "You have a
healthy bouncing baby girl, but I must warn you before you see her that
the
baby is black"
"Well," replies the girl. "I was very down on my luck, with no money and
nowhere to live, and so I accepted a job in a Porno movie. The lead man
was
black."
"Oh, I'm very sorry," says the midwife, "that's really none of my
business
and I'm sorry that I have to ask you these awkward questions but I must
also
tell you that the baby has blonde hair."
"Well yes," the girl again replies, "you see I desperately needed the
money
and there was this Swedish guy also involved in the movie, what else
could I
do?"
"Oh, I'm sorry," the midwife repeats, "that's really none of my business
and
I hate to pry further but your baby has slanted eyes."
"Well yes," continues the girl, "I was incredibly hard up and there was
a
little Chinese man also in the movie, I really had no choice."
At this the midwife again apologises collects the baby and presents her
to
the girl, who immediately proceeds to give baby a slap on the bum. The
baby
starts crying and the mother exclaims,
"Well thank f**k for that !"
"What do you mean?" says the midwife, shocked.
"Well," says the girl extremely relieved, "I had this horrible feeling
that
the little bastard was going to bark!"

 

[tenbellys]

what do you call a blonde with half a brain
gifted

how does a blonde print a txt document on a computer
takes the monitor to the photocopier

what do call a blonde that dies her hair
artifical intellegience

sad aint they

 

[V Matt]

Here's my contribution

On a tour of England, the Pope took a couple of days off to visit the South coast. His 4x4 Pope-Mobile was driving along the golden sands when there was an enormous commotion. They rushed to see what it was and upon approaching the scene the Pope noticed just outside the surf, a hapless man wearing an Oxford football jersey, struggling frantically to free himself from the jaws of a 20 foot shark!

At that moment a speedboat containing three men wearing Swindon tops roared into view. Spontaneously, one of the men took aim at the shark and fired a harpoon into its ribs, immobilising it instantly. The other two reached out and pulled the Oxford fan from the water and then, using long clubs, beat the shark to death.

They bundled the bleeding, semi-conscious man into the speedboat along with the dead shark and prepared for a hasty retreat, when they heard frantic calling from the shore. It was the Pope, summoning them to the beach. Upon reaching land, the Pope went into raptures about the rescue and said, "I give you my blessing for your brave actions. I'd heard there were racist, xenophobic people trying to divide Oxford and Swindon but now I have seen with my own eyes this is not true. I can see your society is a truly enlightened example of tribal harmony which could serve as a model for other nations."

He blessed them all and drove off. As he departed, the harpoonist asked the others, "Who was that?!" "That," one answered, "was his Holiness the Pope. He is in direct contact with God and has access to all God's wisdom." "Well," the harpoonist replied, "he knows fuck all about shark fishing. How's the bait holding up or do we need to get another one?"


Oxford division 3 scum

 

[Mulla]

Three women are lost deep in the Amazonian Jungle, when suddenly they come across a rapid river. The current and rapids make it impossible for them to swim across, so they disheartedly sit down in the shade of a large tree.
Out of nowhere pops a little tree sprite and says to the girls "Hi, I am a tree sprite and I live in this magic tree. If you stand in the hollow trunk and make a wish, your wish will come true!". So, immediately the first girl jumps into the hollow tree trunk and says "I wish I was 10 times smarter, so I could think of a way to get across the river!" Theres a bright flash, and when everything returns to normal, the woman runs out from the tree, takes a flying leap, grabs an overhanging vine and swings across the river. The 2nd woman takes her cue and goes into the tree and asks to become 100 times smarter. Again theres a flash, and then the woman emerges from the tree, runs over to a nearby tree, starts whittling a canoe out of one of the branches and sails across the river.
The third women goes into the tree and asks to become 1000 smarter so she can cross the river. Once again there is a flash, and when the smoke clears the other 2 women are amazed to see the 3rd woman morph into a man, walk over to the river bank and walk over the bridge!!!!!!

 

[Mulla]

Two women walking through the jungle, and eventually they come across a river. As its too rapid to swim across, they decide to walk down the bank a bit, and see if theres a bridge. Sure enough, after about a mile of walking, they come across a bridge. As theyre crossing the 1st woman mentions to the 2nd that she needs a piss. 'Well stick your ass over the side of the bridge and let rip, girl, there aint nobody about here' said the 2nd girl, so the 1st woman does as she says, and sticks her ass over the side of the bridge and starts pissing. After letting a huge sigh of relief, she looks down between her legs, screams and shouts to the 2nd woman "I thought you said you'd keep an eye out for other people! A canoe just sailed right under the bridge, how could you not notice?" The 2nd woman is a little puzzled and checks over the side of the bridge for any sign of this mystery canoe. After studying the water for a moment, she leans back up and says to the first woman "You dappy bitch, that was your reflection!!!!"

 

[tenbellys]

Originally posted by Mulla
Three women are lost deep in the Amazonian Jungle, when suddenly they come across a rapid river. The current and rapids make it impossible for them to swim across, so they disheartedly sit down in the shade of a large tree.
Out of nowhere pops a little tree sprite and says to the girls "Hi, I am a tree sprite and I live in this magic tree. If you stand in the hollow trunk and make a wish, your wish will come true!". So, immediately the first girl jumps into the hollow tree trunk and says "I wish I was 10 times smarter, so I could think of a way to get across the river!" Theres a bright flash, and when everything returns to normal, the woman runs out from the tree, takes a flying leap, grabs an overhanging vine and swings across the river. The 2nd woman takes her cue and goes into the tree and asks to become 100 times smarter. Again theres a flash, and then the woman emerges from the tree, runs over to a nearby tree, starts whittling a canoe out of one of the branches and sails across the river.
The third women goes into the tree and asks to become 1000 smarter so she can cross the river. Once again there is a flash, and when the smoke clears the other 2 women are amazed to see the 3rd woman morph into a man, walk over to the river bank and walk over the bridge!!!!!!

lmao:thumbsup:

 

[Mulla]

Why did So Solid write their tune '21 Seconds'???

Cos 31 seconds was obviously too much for the fucking pussies!!!


One for all the garage-haters out there!!!

 

[tenbellys]

a man, a cat, a ostrig walk into a bar,

the man buys a round of drinks, the ostrig buys the next round

the man then goes to buy another round and the barman goes

how comes the cat aint brought a round yet,

the man goes well i found this lamp and i wished for a bird with long legs and a tight pussy

 

[klusta]

ANGER MANAGEMENT:

For all of you who occasionally have a really bad day, and you just
need to take it out on someone--don't take it out on someone you know, take it out on someone you don't know.

I was sitting at my desk, when I remembered a phone call I had
forgotten to make. I found the number, and dialed it. A man answered saying,
"Hello?"

I politely said, "This is Fred Hanifin, could I please speak with
Robin Carter?" Suddenly, the phone was slammed down on me. I couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude.

I tracked down Robin's correct number, and called her. (I had
transposed
the last two digits of her phone number).

After hanging up with her, I decided to call the 'wrong' number again.
When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled, "You're an asshole!"
and I hung up. I wrote his number down, with the word 'asshole' next to it,
and put it in my desk drawer.

Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad
day, I'd call him up and yell, "You're an asshole!" It always cheered me
up.
When Caller ID came to our area, I thought my therapeutic 'asshole' calling would have to stop. So, I called his number and said, "Hi,
this is John Smith from the Telephone Company. I'm just calling to see if you're familiar with the caller ID program?"
He yelled, "NO!" and slammed the phone down. I quickly called him back and said, "That's because you're an asshole!"

So, one day I was at the grocery-store, getting ready to pull into a
parking spot. Some kid in a black BMW cut me off, and pulled into the spot I had patiently waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that I had been waiting for the spot. The idiot ignored me. I noticed a "For Sale" sign in his car window, so I wrote down his number.

A couple of days later, right after calling the first asshole (I had
his number on speed dial), I thought I had better call the BMW asshole,
too.
I dialed and someone said, "Hello?"
I said, "Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?"
"Yes it is."
"Can you tell me where I can see it?"
"Yes, I live at 1802 West 34th Street. It's a yellow house and the car's parked right out front."
"What's your name?" I asked.
"My name is Don Hansen," he said.
"When's a good time to catch you, Don?"
"I'm home every evening after five."
"Listen, Don, can I tell you something?"
"Yes?"
"Don, you're an asshole!"

Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed dial, too. Now, when I had a problem, I had two assholes to call. But after several months of calling them, it wasn't as enjoyable as it used to be.

So, I came up with an idea:

I called Asshole #1. "Hello"
"You're an asshole!" (but I didn't hang up.)
"Are you still there?" he asked.
"Yeah," I said.
"Stop calling me," he screamed
"Make me," I said.
"Who are you?" he asked.
"My name is Don Hansen."
"Yeah? Where do you live?"
"Asshole, I live at 1802 West 34th Street, a yellow house
with my black Beemer parked in front."
He said, "I'm coming over right now, Don. And you had better start saying your prayers."
I said, "Yeah, like I'm really scared, asshole."

Then I called asshole # 2:
"Hello?" he said.
"Hello Asshole," I said.
He yelled, "If I ever find out who you are..."
"You'll what?" I said.
"I'll kick your ass," he exclaimed.
I answered, "Well, asshole, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now."
Then, I hung up, and immediately called the
police, saying that I lived at 1802 West 34th Street, and I was on my way over there to kill my gay lover. Then, I called
Channel 13 news about the gang war going down on West 34th Street.

I quickly got into my car and headed over to 34th St. There, I saw
two assholes beating the crap out of each other in front of six squad cars, a police helicopter, and a TV news crew.

Now, I feel better...

 

[V Matt]

What's the difference between Tony Blair & Harold Shipman?






























Harold Shipman has made a difference to the NHS waiting lists

 

[V Matt]

Out of date but still well funny

David Copperfield is performing his magic show when a bloke in the audience starts heckling him and shouting that his tricks are crap. David invites him up onto the stage and asks him if he's could do any better and do a trick for the audience.

"So then mate, show us a trick of yours." says David.

"OK" says the bloke. "For this trick I'll need the assistance of your lovely girlfriend Claudi Schiffer."

Claudia gets up on the stage and the bloke tells her to bend over the table in the middle of the stage. Claudia look a bit bemused but he says "Don't worry, it's all part of the trick".

She bends over the table & he quickly runs up behind her, whips off her knickers, takes his knob out and starts giving her one from behind.

"Oi, that's not a trick!" David yells at him.

He replies "No, but it's fucking magic!"

 

[tenbellys]

Originally posted by V Matt
What's the difference between Tony Blair & Harold Shipman?



Harold Shipman has made a difference to the NHS waiting lists

nasty:thumbsup:

 

[Caution]

Been laughing proper though out this thread.



More please..........

 

[Mulla]

Ha! A mate of mine told a particularly nasty joke in an AOL chatroom a couple of years back, and managed to get his whole family kicked off AOL!!! Needless to say I wont be repeating the joke here!

 

[Mulla]

Just got e-mailed this:

A couple take on an 18 year old girl as a lodger. She asked if she could
have a bath but the woman of the house told her they didn't have a bathroom
but she could use a tin bath in front of the fire.
"Monday's the best night, when my husband goes out to play darts," she
said, so the girl agreed to have a bath the following Monday.
After her husband had gone to the pub for his darts match, the woman filled
the bath and watched as the girl got undressed.
She was surprised to see that the lass didn't have any pubic hair and told
her husband when he came home.
He didn't believe her so she said: "Next week I'll leave a gap in the
curtains so that you can see for yourself."
The following Monday, while the girl again got undressed, the wife
asked:"Do you shave?"
"No," said the girl. "I've just never grown any hairs down there. Do you
have hairs?"
"Oh yes," said the woman and she showed off her great, hairy muff.
When the husband got back in she asked: "Did you see ?"
"Yes," he said. "But why the feck did you have to show her yours?"
"Why," she said. "You've seen it all before."
"I know," he said, "but the fecking darts team hadn't!"