The Chaos

Discussion in 'Waffle' started by TongueFlap, Jan 11, 2010.

  1. TongueFlap

    TongueFlap Flappin'

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    I feel sorry for anyone learning English...

    Dearest creature in creation,
    Studying English pronunciation,
    I will teach you in my verse
    Sounds like corpse, corps, horse and worse.
    It will keep you, Susy, busy,
    Make your head with heat grow dizzy;
    Tear in eye your dress you'll tear.
    So shall I! Oh hear my prayer:
    Pray console your loving poet,
    Make my coat look new, dear, sew it.
    Just compare heart, beard and heard,
    Dies and diet, Lord and word.
    Sword and sward, retain and Britain,
    (Mind the latter, how it's written).
    Made has not the sound of bade,
    Say—said, pay—paid, laid, but plaid.
    Now I surely will not plague you
    With such words as vague and ague,
    But be careful how you speak:
    Say break, steak, but bleak and streak,
    Previous, precious; fuschia, via;
    Pipe, shipe, recipe and choir;
    Cloven, oven; how and low;
    Script, receipt; shoe, poem, toe.
    Hear me say, devoid of trickery;
    Daughter, laughter and Terpsichore;
    Typhoid, measles, topsails, aisles;
    Exiles, similes, reviles;
    Wholly, holly; signal, signing;
    Thames, examining, combining;
    Scholar, vicar and cigar,
    Solar, mica, war, and far.
    Desire—desirable, admirable—admire;
    Lumber, plumber; bier but brier;
    Chatham, brougham; renown but known,
    Knowledge; done, but gone and tone,
    One, anemone; Balmoral,
    Kitchen, lichen; laundry, laurel;
    Gertrude, German; wind and mind;
    Scene, Melpomene, mankind;
    Tortoise, turquoise, chamois-leather.
    This phonetic labyrinth
    Gives moss, gross; brook, brooch; ninth, plinth.
    Billet does not end like ballet;
    Bouquet, wallet, mallet, chalet;
    Blood and flood are not like food,
    Nor is mould like should and would.
    Banquet is not nearly parquet,
    Which is said to rime with darky.
    Viscous, viscount; load and broad;
    Toward, to forward, to reward.
    And your pronunciation's O.K.
    When you say correctly; croquet;
    Rounded, wounded; grieve and sieve;
    Friend and fiend, alive and live,
    Liberty, library; heave and heaven;
    Rachel, ache, moustache; eleven.
    We say hallowed, but allowed;
    People, leopard; towed, but vowed.
    Mark the difference moreover
    Between mover, plover, Dover;
    Leeches, breeches; wise, precise;
    Chalice, but police and lice.
    Camel, constable, unstable,
    Principle, discipline, label;
    Petal, penal and canal;
    Wait, surmise, plait, promise; pal.
    Suit, suite, ruin; circuit, conduit,
    Rime with: "shirk it" and "beyond it";
    But it is not hard to tell
    Why it's pall, mall, but PallMall.
    Muscle, muscular; goal and iron;
    Timber, climber; bullion and lion;
    Worm and storm; chaise, chaos, chair;
    Senator, spectator, mayor.
    Ivy, privy; famous; clamour,
    And enamour rime with "hammer".
    Pussy, hussy and possess,
    Desert, but dessert, address.
    Golf, wolf; countenants; lieutenants
    Hoist, in lieu of flags, left pennants.
    River, rival; tomb, bomb, comb;
    Doll and roll, and some and home.
    Stranger does not rime with anger,
    Neither does devour with clangour.
    Soul, but foul; and gaunt, but aunt;
    Font, front, won't; want, grand and grant;
    Shoes, goes, does. Now first say finger,
    And then; singer, ginger, linger.
    Real, zeal; mauve, gauze and gauge;
    Marriage, foliage, mirage, age.
    Query does not rime with very,
    Nor does fury sound like bury.
    Dost, lost, post; and doth, cloth, loth;
    Job, Job; blossom, bosom, oath.
    Though the difference seems little
    We say actual, but victual;
    Seat, sweat; chaste, caste; Leigh, eight, height;
    Put, nut; granite but unite.
    Reefer does not rime with deafer,
    Feoffer does, and zephyr, heifer.
    Dull, bull; Geoffrey, George; ate, late;
    Hint, pint; senate, but sedate.
    Scenic, Arabic, Pacific;
    Science, conscience, scientific.
    Tour, but our, and succour, four;
    Gas, alas and Arkansas!
    Sea, idea, guinea, area,
    Psalm, Maria, but malaria.
    Youth, south, southern; cleanse and clean;
    Doctrine, turpentine, marine.
    Compare alien with Italian.
    Dandelion with battalion,
    Sally with ally, Yea, Ye,
    Eye, I, ay, aye, whey, key, quay.
    Say aver, but ever, fever,
    Neither, leisure, skein, receiver.
    Never guess—it is not safe;
    We say calves, valves; half, but Ralf.
    Heron, granary, canary;
    Crevice and device and eyrie;
    Face, preface, but efface,
    Phlegm, phlegmatic; ass, glass, bass;
    Large, but target, gin, give, verging;
    Ought, out, joust and scour, but scourging;
    Ear, but earn; and wear and tear
    Do not rime with "here" but "ere".
    Seven is right, but so is even;
    Hyphen, roughen, nephew, Stephen;
    Monkey, donkey; clerk and jerk;
    Asp, grasp, wasp; and cork and work.
    Pronunciation—think of psyche—
    Is a paling, stout and spikey;
    Won't it make you lose your wits,
    writing groats and saying "groats"?
    It's a dark abyss or tunnel,
    Strewn with stones, like rowlock, gunwale,
    Islington and Isle of Wight,
    Housewife, verdict and indict.
    Don't you think so, reader, rather
    Saying lather, bather, father?
    Finally: which rimes with "enough",
    Though, through, plough, cough, hough or tough?
    Hiccough has the sound of "cup",
    My advice is ... give it up!
     
  2. Mattix

    Mattix Sub Focus anyone?

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    Is this the Tony national anthem march? Im pretty sure its the Tony national anthem march sung in March.
     
  3. *SweetPea*

    *SweetPea* LADY VINYL

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    Pete did you read that whole fucking thing?!

    That's just a load of bloody words put next to each other.
     
  4. *SweetPea*

    *SweetPea* LADY VINYL

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    The only two words you really need in the english language:

    Toe
    Knee
     
  5. *SweetPea*

    *SweetPea* LADY VINYL

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    Fucking racist!

    And they can't spell. Is that meant to be rhyme?
     
    Last edited: Jan 11, 2010
  6. TongueFlap

    TongueFlap Flappin'

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    it is - is tony going to sing it?

    this is what happens at work on a monday. yeh i read most of it. hahahah boooreeeeedddddd
     
  7. *SweetPea*

    *SweetPea* LADY VINYL

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    Tony isn't a person, it's a state of mind.
     
  8. TongueFlap

    TongueFlap Flappin'

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    tony is a person, i know tony.
     
  9. *SweetPea*

    *SweetPea* LADY VINYL

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    He's a fraud.
     
  10. logikz

    logikz I Am Not The King Staff Member

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    our own cincinatti kid, yorkshire tony.
     
  11. jmzmaloney

    jmzmaloney ENTHUSED WITH ETHNOGRAPHIC PLUNDERPHONICS Staff Member

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    Those are MF Doom lyrics
     
  12. Moskit

    Moskit :rodigan: Staff Member

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    My Grandmother has SARS in her left ear & a sense of disenchantment, after tossing off a dead Jewish Cat that died of Scurvey & Ricketts, on the banks of the River Nene.

    English is cool.
     
  13. Jwood27

    Jwood27 VICTIM

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    the idea of the poem is to highlight the irregularity of english, so he put deliberate mistakes in, but so you would still be able to understand :)

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jR86kqXBe2A
     
  14. Mattix

    Mattix Sub Focus anyone?

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    Toe Knee is a state of mind.

    Tony is person.


    Tony United are a football team with 11 Tonys that all look the same. There are also Tony Airways, Tony Plumbing, Toe Knee Yoga and the barbershop quartet The Tony Tones
     
  15. TongueFlap

    TongueFlap Flappin'

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    bit like that evil bloke on dr who where he made everyone look like him?