survival guide for taking a dump at work

Discussion in 'Waffle' started by cK, Dec 16, 2006.

  1. cK

    cK i want to play a game...

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    it's probably old, but a good old fashioned re-post never hurt anyone!
    :)


    HOW TO POO AT WORK
    We've all been there but don't like to admit it. We've all kicked back in
    our cubicles and suddenly felt something brewing down below. As much as
    we try to convince ourselves otherwise, the WORK POO is inevitable.

    For those who hate 'setting free the chocolate hostages' at work, the following
    is a Survival Guide For taking a dump at work.

    CROP DUSTING
    When farting, you walk briskly around the office so the smell is not in
    your area and everyone else gets a whiff but doesn't know where it came
    from. Be careful when you do this. Do not stop until the full fart has
    been expelled. Walk an extra 30 feet to make sure the smell has left your
    pants.

    FLY BY
    The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooing. Walk in and check for
    other pooers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back
    again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become
    suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.

    ESCAPEE
    A fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing a
    poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of
    embarrassment. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend
    it did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter in the urinal,
    pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee. It is
    uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both
    parties feel uneasy.

    JAILBREAK
    When forcing a poo, several farts slip out at a machine gun pace. This
    is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should
    happen,do not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has left the
    bathroom to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.

    COURTESY FLUSH
    The act of flushing the toilet the instant the poo hits the water.This
    reduces the amount of air time the poo has to stink up the bathroom.
    This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.

    WALK OF SHAME
    Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have
    just stunk up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if
    someone walks in and busts you. As with farts, it is best to pretend
    that the smell does not exist. Can be avoided with the use of the
    COURTESY FLUSH.

    OUT OF THE CLOSET POOER
    A colleague who poos at work and is damn proud of it. You will often see
    and Out Of The Closet Pooer enter the bathroom with a newspaper or
    magazine under his or her arm. Always look around the office for the Out
    Of The Closet Pooer before entering the bathroom.

    THE POOING FRIENDS NETWORK (P.F.N)
    A group of co-workers who band together to ensure emergency pooing goes
    off without incident. This group can help you to monitor the whereabouts
    of Out Of The Closet Pooers, and identify SAFE HAVENS.

    SAFE HAVENS
    A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least
    expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex.
    This will reduce the odds of a pooer of your sex entering the bathroom.

    TURD BURGLAR
    Someone who does not realize that you are in the stall and tries to
    force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable
    moments that can occur when taking a poo at work. If this occurs, remain
    in the stall until the Turd Burglar leaves. This way you will avoid all
    uncomfortable contact.

    CAMO-COUGH
    A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you
    are in a stall. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON, or to alert
    potential Turd Burglars. Very effective when used in conjunction with an
    ASTAIRE.

    ASTAIRE
    A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential Turd Burglars that you
    are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the stall is
    occupied. If you hear an Astaire, leave the bathroom immediately so the
    pooer can 'drop the kids off' in peace.

    WATERMELON
    A poo that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water.This is
    also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a Watermelon coming on,
    create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.

    HAVANA OMELET
    A case of diarrhoea that creates a series of loud splashes in the toilet
    water. Often accompanied by an ESCAPEE. Try using a CAMO-COUGH with an
    ASTAIRE.
     
  2. moriaty

    moriaty Active Member

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    between a low hum and a high whine
    hah!
    i will never understand why people are so embarassed bout havin a poo...
    PEOPLE, is just bodily functions.!! out of the closet, and darn proud of it!!
     
  3. Flatmatt

    Flatmatt Member

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    i is out of the closet aswell, gets to 4pm everyday and i'll get up and say "right people....i'm goin for a shit!" :D
     
  4. Time Dependant

    Time Dependant Jungle Hunter

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    Shit break! i got a guy who sits opposite me & he's regular as hell
     
  5. 1992

    1992 Novantadue

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    Out of the closet pooing is where its at! There was one other guy at my ex-job who actually talked openly about it as if it was as normal as going to sleep or eating lunch. I agree with him, its very normal. I don't believe in all this "I'm too embarrased to be a human" bullshit. If your afraid to poo, just shoot yourself for goodness sakes! *sarcasm*
     
  6. safety

    safety double safety

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    i'd have nothing to do at work if i didn't poo.

    i know a guy who'll only do it at home, he's very uptight about the whole subject. but then at the other end of the scale, i know a guy who went on a pooing tour of italy. said he had some of the best movements of his life there.
     
  7. Radius

    Radius Give me back my passport u slags

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    Somewhere over the flyover
    I didn't do a tour by I did write "this toilet is shit" in shit on the wall ...does that count ?? :thumbsup: