Something new im working on, wondered if i could get some feedback

mcsketcha

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#1
Basically im working on a new hip hop track, ive only wrote half so far and havent got anything recorded yet, but wondered if i could get some feedback on the lyrical content, cheers.

VERSE 1:
I'm underground, because I haven't reached the surface,
But when it comes to music I feel I got a purpose,
Anytime I'm run down, feeling weak and worthless,
The music picks me up and makes me realise I work this,
These powers from beyond, like I've risen from the darkness,
Stept beyond the shadows and the realm of the heartless,
The fear disappears, gaining knowledge from the masters,
Silencing the giants, stopping destined disasters,

I got a guilty conscience pushing me to come clean,
I live for the future, live for the unseen,
Doubts get destroyed as my inner chi breaks free,
Shining through the clouds with the warmth of a sunbeam,
Subconscious facts getting preached through a daydream,
Living in a lost world, banished from the mainstream,
Anxiety haunts from the sins of my late teens,
Driven to achieve what was done by the late kings,

CHORUS:
Whether night or day we come with venomous bars,
To leave you battered and bruised, confused and covered in scars,
Ambition, Intuition, from philosiphol stars,
So keep up with the riddem or you'll get left in the past, (X2)

VERSE 2:
When it comes to raps, I spit facts into fiction,
Generate dark thoughts with no contradiction,
Always keep a clean slate, i got no convictions,
The lyrics and the beats are my only addictions,
Loosing my sanity, they're trying to get me sectioned,
The oracle of literacy proclaims my protection,
Death stands before me in my darkened reflection,
But there's too many wrongs to reclaim ressurection,
.................

As I said this is only the first part of the track, but any feedback to suggest whether I am heading in the right direction would be much appreciated,
 
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mcsketcha

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#3
deep. liking it so far, with the right beat and flow this could be sick.

looking forward to hearing it ;)
cheers mate, yeah my mate should be making a track for me to spit it over in a few weeks, so hopefully il have it finished by the middle of march, thanks for the feedback :D
 

MARKLAR

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#5
sum good rymes there
but every time i read lyrics or watever i cant make them sound good in my head so ill have to wait for the finished version to tell you if its any good!lol
 

Jakue08

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#6
yeah sounds good, its hard reading it without knowing what the instrumental sounds like, but ill defo have listen when its mastered and recorded.
 

EWOKS

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#7
firstly the content is good, and descriptive .. offers meaning and use of some nice words,

second.. the flow isnt all their, try rhyme words mid lines, double up words, use of multis ect .. first verse reads like a birthday card in terms of flow, like a basic structured poem, the problem with that is over a beat it becomes monotonous and predicatable, you need to keep a flow intresting to show skill, keep the listeners attention, and keep interesting.. break it up abit .. dont just rhyme those last words like in yuor second verse, have it all over.. listen to other artists and how they sructure thier verses, becuase they have spent alot of time working on flow ..

i try write hiphop lyrics, and have for a few years now .. and flow as so fuckin hard, lyrics are one thing, but having a good flow is another art in its self.. truely.

i can also help you to set up mic equipment for optimal recording quality .. as good as you'll get at home, and suggest good stuff to buy. depending how serious you are.

all of the above is meant to be helpful .. also keep this, and refer back to it to see how you have progressed.. i read my old stuff and my stuff now and its completely different.. the stuff ive posted on here is no way near my best.. im keeping that for when i start to record..

any question just ask.. i dont know alot, and not saying i know it all.. but ive studied and learnt alot and could maybe help with a few basics.. but flow is your main thing to look into ..

keep up the push
 

EWOKS

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#8
i just noticed you put dfeedback on lyrical content..

and the content is good man .. serious, enjoyed reading it ..

you may flow better than what it reads ..
 

mcsketcha

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#10
thanks for all the feedback peeps, especially ethix, some constructive critisism and advice was exactly what i wanted, i agree that i definatly need to switch it up a bit rather than stick with the poem like last word rhyme, I also agree that you can't really tell how i flow from just reading it i guess we'll all have to wait for the finished product. thanks again for all the helpful feedback. Hopefully have the finished product uploaded in a about a months time
 
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Borf™

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#12
Yeh, the lyrics are good man. Pretty deep.

But I agree with Ethix. I could see it getting a bit bland with that flow constantly.

Hit me up when the tracks done mate. Def will listen to it.

I'm writing a few tracks at the moment.

Should be recording within a month I hope.

I find lyrics pretty easy to write. Especially forming multis and wordplay. The hardest thing is flow by far.

You could have the best lyrics going, but with shit delivery nobody's going to want to listen to you.

That's what I'm struggling with.

Try spitting it, but changing words in sentences and adding in extra rhymes in the middle of lines which'll give the flow a bit of a change.
 

mcsketcha

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#13
cheers for the advice brofski il definatly take that into consideration, i think this may take a bit longer than a month to complete now but should hopefully be worth the wait, safe. :D
 
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#15
Good deep lyrics, I don't know if the hook matches up wit the content much; but it doesn't necessarily need to...if you need beats click the link in my signature check what i have posted on soundcloud, I also have a ton more I haven't posted...reading your lyrics my beat entitled "Epic" or "Creepin on Em" seem to go pretty good w/ it, but you be the judge (and that's assuming you don't already have an instrumental"
 
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EWOKS

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#16
you dont know the delivery from how it reads ethix you dimwit
course you dont fool .. thats why i never mentioned delivery, i mentioned flow ... how it rolls off the tongue, verse structure and flow come hand in hand, if your only rhyming certain parts of bars, and stinking to a basic structure, as the above is , then the flow isnt going to come across well, and probably wont stay too interesting flow wise ...

When it comes to raps, I spit facts into fiction,
Generate dark thoughts with no contradiction,
Always keep a clean slate, i got no convictions,
The lyrics and the beats are my only addictions,
Loosing my sanity, they're trying to get me sectioned,
The oracle of literacy proclaims my protection,
Death stands before me in my darkened reflection,
But there's too many wrongs to reclaim ressurection,


ect ect ... this is a basic flow logiks ... trust me ive done my homework, no matter how its written, check the words used mid sentance ect... the flow is basic. but content is good...

brofskis and my tips on flow should help.. and listen to how others do it.. ryhme mid sentance, try pauses, fillers, multies, .. this will all add to flow.
 
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#17
course you dont fool .. thats why i never mentioned delivery, i mentioned flow ... how it rolls off the tongue, verse structure and flow come hand in hand, if your only rhyming certain parts of bars, and stinking to a basic structure, as the above is , then the flow isnt going to come across well, and probably wont stay too interesting flow wise ...

When it comes to raps, I spit facts into fiction,
Generate dark thoughts with no contradiction,
Always keep a clean slate, i got no convictions,
The lyrics and the beats are my only addictions,
Loosing my sanity, they're trying to get me sectioned,
The oracle of literacy proclaims my protection,
Death stands before me in my darkened reflection,
But there's too many wrongs to reclaim ressurection,


ect ect ... this is a basic flow logiks ... trust me ive done my homework, no matter how its written, check the words used mid sentance ect... the flow is basic. but content is good...

brofskis and my tips on flow should help.. and listen to how others do it.. ryhme mid sentance, try pauses, fillers, multies, .. this will all add to flow.
having 'some' knowledge on the subject I would cosign this
 

EWOKS

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having 'some' knowledge on the subject I would cosign this
yea i dont know alot to be fair, ive just read and learnt things.. theres defiantely an art to it, then you gotta just have the natural talent...

ive not even recorded yet, im just working on getting it sounding nice which is hard work.

im gunna check your beats SMD if thats ok.
 
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#19
If ya need any help or tips on mixing hiphop vocals let me know; I went to school for it and spent years running a personal studio recording nothing but MCs, so lemme know

and of course its okay if ya check the beats
 

EWOKS

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#20
yea, id appreciate the help .

when i finally get to record man .. ill send it your way, and you can suggest ways of improvement .. i have no idea, i go on a rap forum tho.. and theres a section on there with this geeza who knows fuckin everything, big help he has been... advice is always appreciated so yea, ill be PM'n you in the future boss
 
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