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jmzmaloney

ENTHUSED WITH ETHNOGRAPHIC PLUNDERPHONICS
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#3
I have one its a oldie but a goldie.

A woman is pregnant with triplets and gets shot 3 times in the stomach. 12 years later shes sitting in her bedroom and one of the girls comes in crying, says she started bleeding and a bullet came out. Mother says "dont worry thats just your period, and you know I was shot when I was carrying you". A few days later her other daughter and the same thing happens again. Another few days later her son comes in crying and she says "did you find a bullet as well" and the son replies "no I was having a wank and I shot the cat"
 

rob_del_terror

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#6
One day, a girl and her mom were walking through a park. The little girl then sees two teenagers on a bench, doing it. The little girl asks her mom: "What's that?" And her mom replied: "Oh, they're just making cake!" They then proceed to walk through a zoo, and the little girl sees two monkeys doing it. The little girl asks her mom: "What are they doing?" The mom replies: "They're making cake!" The little girl smiled and said, "Well, you and dad made cake last night, didn't you?" The mom was shocked and said: "How do YOU know?" The little girl said: "I licked the icing off the couch."
 

rob_del_terror

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#9
A bloke notices a tasty bird giving him the eye in the supermarket. "Do I know you?" he asks. She says "aren't you the dad of one of my kids?". He thinks back to the only time he's ever been unfaithful and says "were you the hooker I fucked over the pool table at my stag do while your mate spanked me with a piece of wet celery while shoving that massive cucumber up my arse?". She stares at him and says "no, I'm your daughter's teacher"
 

Teddy

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#11
Mildred, the church gossip, and self-appointed monitor of the church's morals, kept sticking her nose into other people's business..
Several members did not approve of her extra curricular activities, but feared her enough to maintain their silence.

She made a mistake, however, when she accused Frank, a new member, of being an alcoholic after she saw his old pickup parked in front of the town's
Only bar one afternoon..
She emphatically told Frank (and several others) that every one seeing it there
WOULD KNOW WHAT HE WAS DOING !
Frank, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and just turned and walked away. He didn't explain, defend, or deny.
He said nothing..
Later that evening, Frank quietly parked his pickup in front of Mildred's house ... Walked home ... . .and left it there all night.

(You gotta love Frank!)
 

rob_del_terror

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#12
have any of you got the Jade Goody 2009 calendar, could you please check and see if it's got all the months in it?

Mine only goes up to March.
 

rob_del_terror

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#13
An Essex girl in a car crash says, 'I think I have concussion.' The paramedic asks, 'How many fingers have I got up?' The Essex girl replies, 'Oh God, my fanny’s paralysed too.'
 

Teddy

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#14
have u been injured?
had a car accident?
fell over at work?
or tripped on an uneven surface?
if so....

sort yourself out u clumsy cunt!
 

rob_del_terror

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#15
Does anyone know how you cancel a bid on eBay? I've just bid on a Mickey Mouse outfit and I'm only 30 minutes away from owning Newcastle United!!!
 

chanty

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#20
shut up dickheads i wasnt having a go. joke thread used to b LIVE, no ones posted jokes on here for a while. then all of a sudden theres loads of good uns. keep em comin these r gettin texted to loads of ppl in my fone book
 
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