Jokes Thread

Joined
Sep 11, 2008
I'll start with a few....

I remember when my grandad went into a retirement home, very sad. I rang up my gran and asked how he was doing.

"Oh, he's like a fish out of water."

"Is he finding it hard to adjust then?"

"No, he's dead."

..........................................

A man walks into a petrol station and says

"Can I please have a kitkat chunky?"

The lady behind the till gets him a kitkat chunky and brings it back to him.

"No" says the man. "I wanted a normal kitkat you fat bitch"

..........................................

Little MARK goes to school, and the teacher says, 'Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?'

MARK says 'Mas-tur-bate.'

Miss Rogers smiles and says, 'Wow, little MARK, that's a mouthful.'

Little MARK says, 'No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blowjob.'

...........................................

Did you hear about the Irish tap dancer?

He fell into the sink and broke his ankle!
 

MARKLAR

International Tracksuit Salesman
VIP Junglist
Joined
Oct 1, 2006
..........................................

A man walks into a petrol station and says

"Can I please have a kitkat chunky?"

The lady behind the till gets him a kitkat chunky and brings it back to him.

"No" says the man. "I wanted a normal kitkat you fat bitch"

..........................................

that 1s quality!lol
 

SLow

Quadrospazzed life-glug
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Joined
Aug 17, 2008
i dont get this one??

Irish people are stereotypically stupid, this guy took his job title literally and was dancing on a tap....here's one you might get:

Why did the small girl fall off the swing?

Cos she had no arms.
 

MARKLAR

International Tracksuit Salesman
VIP Junglist
Joined
Oct 1, 2006
Irish people are stereotypically stupid, this guy took his job title literally and was dancing on a tap....here's one you might get:

Why did the small girl fall off the swing?

Cos she had no arms.

hey im irish shut up!lol
 
Joined
Sep 11, 2008
Why Is The Head Larger Than The Shaft?

In 1993, the American Government funded a study to see why the
head of a man's penis was larger than the shaft. After one year
and $180,000, they concluded that the reason the head was larger
than the shaft was to give the man more pleasure during sex.

After the US published the study, France decided to do their own
study. After $250,000, and 3 years of research, they concluded
that the reason was to give the woman more pleasure during sex.

Poland, unsatisfied with these findings, conducted their own
study. After 2 weeks and a cost of around $75.46, they concluded
that it was to keep man's hand from flying off and hitting him in
the forehead.
 

Reference

fair shout.
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Joined
Apr 15, 2008
Location
Aldershot
A bloke takes his mates back to see his new flat, for a few more beers.

One of the boys asks him "What's the big brass gong for?"

The host says: "It's my speaking clock"

"How does it work?"

"I'll show you" and he hits it full pelt with a club hammer!

And a voice from next door yells "FOR FUCKS SAKE YOU CUNT, IT'S TWENTY TO THREE IN THE IN THE MORNING!"
 

Griftah

Member
Joined
Sep 29, 2008
What's the connection between a fat woman and a moped?
They're both great to ride unless your mates see you on on!

:rolf:

One that made me laugh
 
Joined
Sep 11, 2008
I parked in a disabled space today and a traffic warden shouted to me...

"Oi, what's your disability?"

I said "Tourettes! Now fuck off you tosser"
 

philski

smoke weed everyday
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Joined
Jul 29, 2007
Location
Birmingham city
Got a new stereo today, its voice activated.
when i shout "country" it plays Dolly Parton.
when i shout "rock n roll" it plays guns and roses.
I was drivin through town town the other day and some little cunts ran out in front of me so i shouted out the window "fucking kids" and it played Garry Glitter
 

NastyLimbCheat

Active Member
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Joined
Jan 30, 2008
Location
Bristol
police today found a body in the burnt out mansion and have confirmed it is cold, well you wouldn't want a warm fosters would ya?
 

sam the dnb man

Variation
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Joined
May 24, 2007
Location
Feltham
Got a new stereo today, its voice activated.
when i shout "country" it plays Dolly Parton.
when i shout "rock n roll" it plays guns and roses.
I was drivin through town town the other day and some little cunts ran out in front of me so i shouted out the window "fucking kids" and it played Garry Glitter

lol:gang_bang
 

Blurr

Wasted Selection
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Joined
Jan 7, 2007
they are making a film about Harold Shipman...

It's called "The Old Deer Hunter"!
 

philski

smoke weed everyday
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Joined
Jul 29, 2007
Location
Birmingham city
a pile of warm poo and a hair peice walk into a pub,
asked the bartender for two pints of lager,
bartender says "no" they ask "why"
bartender says "cos your steaming and your off your head"
 
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