Job Vacancies! Be quick..!

Discussion in 'Waffle' started by dnb in ya face, Jan 13, 2010.

  1. dnb in ya face

    dnb in ya face Loud and Dirrrty

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    Already posted in the "i need a job" thread but fuck it, I think it deserves a thread of its own. :D

    ARE YOU IN NEED OF A JOB?

    We have some very exiting jobs in the pipeline.

    Executive Senior Tramp

    The ideal candidate will be a go-getting self starter, with proven muttering skills and a track record in standing on a street corner shouting at traffic in a old wooly hat.

    Do you have a proven track record of sitting in your own piss?
    Can you fit all your worthless belongings in 4 carrier bags?
    Could you render all the seats within a ten foot radius unbearable?

    If your answer to these questions is "Arrgghh, fuck off ya fuckin' basa" then we want to hear from you.

    Shoes without laces are not essential but an advantage.

    Bin Rifler

    An oppurtunity has arisen for a skilled and enthusiastic bin rifler to scavenge through the bins of a fast food outlet in Greater Manchester. The job will also entail a small degree of pavement scavenging so the ability to think on your feet and shoo off birds from half eaten burgers is advantageous.

    They should have a proven track record of stumbling around a retail concourse whilst shouting aggressively at passers by and drinking from a plastic bottle of white lightning.

    For an application bundle contact Mad Jim on the bench opposite thorntons.

    Senior Cigarette End search and collection operative

    If you are skilled at spotting, picking up, drying out and smoking old dog ends then this is the job for you!

    A lack of basic hyhgiene is important, as is one, or more of the following:

    - A beard full of dry sick
    - Foetid stench and colourful facial bruises
    - A scrawny dog on a lead and a dirty face
    - A Crack pipe
    - Some sort of old, dirty needle

    Drinking Companion

    A post has arisen to cover for maternity leave for 6months. Mad Harry is in need of a drinking buddy, duties will include watching an armchair burn whilst drinking methylated spirits. The ability to make roaring noises is essential, as is the ability to occasionally catch fire and start a fight with yourself. The sucessful candidate will also be required to defecate the steps up to the cricket pavilion and also jump out in front of chldren to scare them a bit.

    All jobs come with attractive packages, a balclava helmet and a wet sleeping bag is the minimum we must legally give you. We throw in a cup of tea every fortnight and also let you keep 50% of the change you get.

    We dont look forward to hearing from you.
     
  2. Joey AdhD

    Joey AdhD sweaty scouser

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    classic Viz....top post.
     
  3. dnb in ya face

    dnb in ya face Loud and Dirrrty

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    Viz is comedy gold! Got them in the bog at work. Quality!