Dear sweet jesus1!

Discussion in 'Waffle' started by Toejam, Dec 28, 2009.

  1. Toejam

    Toejam OOOBEY DOOBEY

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    Picture this, my old freinds phone me up this eve and ask me if im about for a few pints etc. ( been a few years since ive seen them) i said im really skint but being good mates they sort me out money wise and we get wrecked, lashings of cider on an empty stomach

    I decided enough is enough and say my goodbyes to my dearest freinds, and toddle off home, i get to my flat and just as i put my key in my door a lady walking by asks me if i have a spare cigerette, usually i would have said yes but in this case i was being tight and said no, she was alright looking, 10 pints of cider made this decision for me.

    As she walked away i thought why not give a lil wolf whistle whats the harm hey? she quickly turned around to my suprise and walked up to me and grabbed my groin, im there stood with my key half in the door, she says what you doing tonight? i was fucking staggered ! i said i live here wanna come up? (more out of fear tbh)

    I said my flat was a mess but she didnt seem that bothered, i was rather blurred in the fact a lady was in my flat in such a short period of time, and rather pissed too, she grabbed me and starts to undo my trousers and then asks me how much money i have, at the time i didnt pay much attention and just waffled some words in the weirdness that was happening

    So she starts to blow me off, then comes up to me and says ill sleep with you all night for 15£, i says i literally have no money (penny drops shes a whore, yeahi know its late but i was drunk)

    So she freaks out, plus now im fucking worried about her pimp coming after me if i dont pay, if i had the money i would have gone through the unexpected deal just so i wouldnt get kneecapped, but due to actually being skint i had to reason with a crack whore that i had no money, the more the argument happened the more it was apparent she was on the strong stuff

    Now, any riteuous male with honour would have kicked her out on her ass, i myself went through the softy softy approach and tried to make her leave calmly, a very long task i tell you that, she was adamant on her deal of 15£ for an all night session,

    Cut a long story short she fucked off, but bwoy! that was not a quiet walk home
     
  2. dnbkingz

    dnbkingz bollocks

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    Fucking lol!
    I'd scrub your cock 'till it bleeds 2bh.
     
  3. Jwood27

    Jwood27 VICTIM

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    whores that go straight for the groin...
    you know they're the desperate ones (not because they picked you toe!)
    take kingz advice!
     
  4. Nutek

    Nutek movement junglist

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    i reccommend a trip to the gum clinic just to make sure she didnt leave you any unwanted xmas presents :)
     
  5. Lunos

    Lunos Active Member

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    should have give her a ramping anyways. fuck the pimp as welll if hes game
     
  6. DjTiesticles

    DjTiesticles Well-Known Member

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    You could have given her an I.O.U. card
     
  7. Radius

    Radius Give me back my passport u slags

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    oh dear. Well if your lucky there are no itching souveniers. look on the bright side it wasn't knowingly that you entered into this arrangement. could have been worse...you could have barebacked teh whole night then woken up to an empty flat and std bonus
     
  8. jmzmaloney

    jmzmaloney ENTHUSED WITH ETHNOGRAPHIC PLUNDERPHONICS Staff Member

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    You should have murdered her, sucked off the pimp then fucked the police when they showed up.
     
  9. Radius

    Radius Give me back my passport u slags

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    Listen to uncle JMZ . he knows best after 7 bottles of Spiced morgans :)
     
  10. jmzmaloney

    jmzmaloney ENTHUSED WITH ETHNOGRAPHIC PLUNDERPHONICS Staff Member

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    Actually Toejam, seeing as your so skint you should have asked her if there was any vacancies.
     
  11. rob_del_terror

    rob_del_terror - ̿ ̿'̵͇̿̿з=(•̪●)=ε

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    :rofl:


    i got a whore in spain, got to my hotel room, she took her kit off and demanded 150 euro's. i told her to get to fuck and she said she'd call the police. i laughed and booted her out.

    went back down to the hotel lobby and got another up. 150 euros again so i paid up, but for my cash i got 3 return visits over the weekend for the price of a drink outa my minibar. no duty free on the way home though.
     
  12. DJ COSHH

    DJ COSHH Active Member

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    Girl sounded well bait... Typical line 'have you got a fag' or 'do you have the time' ... Your initial no showed you wasn't interested, but the wolf whistle was an instant game on... Should wise up lol
     
  13. $marty

    $marty Dexcell Staff Member

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    BARGAIN!

    But in all seriousness you should probably get checked out at the clinic mate. Be safe an all that.
     
  14. Radius

    Radius Give me back my passport u slags

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    If you washed it afterwards and no blood was drawn you should be ok. just go and get it checked. If your unkucky you may bump into her at the clinic...
     
  15. Fes Rock

    Fes Rock Nothing..........

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    wow, dude....
     
  16. Radius

    Radius Give me back my passport u slags

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    LET US PRAY. LORD MAY I NEVER GET IN THE SAME SHIT AS TOEJAM JUST DID COS I DON'T WANT TO SCRATCH THE END OF MY COCK OFF FOR ITCHING SO.AMEN
     
  17. Fes Rock

    Fes Rock Nothing..........

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  18. logikz

    logikz I Am Not The King Staff Member

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    HEAHEAHEAHEAHEA soooo awesome. what i didnt get was if you did the humpadero or not? smartys right though, at 15 pounds thats a right bargain, you cant even get drunk for 15 pounds
     
  19. Radius

    Radius Give me back my passport u slags

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    I feel sorry for you Toejam, cos every time one of your pubes itches up your nuts of helm piece youa re gonna be wondering if its the onset of cock rot. We shouldn't laugh but damn its gonna be difficult. Sorry man
     
  20. Radius

    Radius Give me back my passport u slags

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    Here are some of the most common STDs and their symptoms. It's important to remember that you can get and pass many of these diseases through different forms of sex (vaginal, anal, and oral).
    See your doctor right away for STD testing if you think that you might have an STD and be sure to mention that you are worried about an STD if your doctor doesn't. Your doctor might think that some common symptoms of an STD, especially non-specific symptoms, like burning with urination, could be caused by a simple urinary tract infection and not something like chlamydia, especially if your doctor doesn't know that you are sexually active. ( so fuck his/her ass raw so they know)
    Chlamydia
    Most people have no symptoms. Abnormal discharge from the penis or vagina, pain in the testicles, and burning with urinating. Long-term irritation may cause lower abdominal pain, inflammation of the eyes and skin lesions. In women, it can cause inflammation of the pelvic organs pelvic inflammatory disease (PID). Chlamydia an be completely cured, but can be caught again, especially if both sex partners aren't treated.
    For more information: Chlamydia

    Genital Herpes
    Small red bumps, blisters, or open sores on the penis, vagina, or areas close by. Also, vaginal discharge in women. Fever, headache, and muscle aches. Pain when urinating. Itching, burning, or swollen glands in genital area. Pain in legs, buttocks, or genital area. Symptoms may go away and then come back. Some people may have no symptoms. There is no cure. Treatment includes taking a medicine to lower severity of symptoms. ( love is for a while, Herpes is foreever)For more information: Genital Herpes

    Gonorrhea
    Pain or burning when urinating. Yellowish and sometimes bloody discharge from the penis or vagina. But, many men have no symptoms. Can be completely cured, but can be caught again, especially if both sex partners aren't treated. (its a biblical thing goddamit) For more information: Gonorrhea

    Hepatitis B
    Mild fever. Headache and muscle aches, joint pain. Tiredness. Loss of appetite. Nausea and vomiting. Dark-colored urine and pale bowel movements. Stomach pain. Skin and whites of eyes turning yellow (jaundice). About 30% of people have no symptoms. Treatment inlcudes taking a medicine to help the liver fight damage from the virus. There are medications available to treat long-lasting (chronic) HBV-infection. These work for some people, but there is no cure for hepatitis B when you first get it.
    Fortunately, routine immunization of all children with the Hepatitis B vaccine will hopefully eliminate future Hepatitis B infections.

    HIV Infection And Aids
    May have no symptoms for 10 years or more. Extreme fatigue. Rapid weight loss. Frequent low-grade fevers and night sweats. Frequent yeast infections (in the mouth). Red, brown, or purplish blotches on or under the skin or inside the mouth, nose, or eyelids. Women can have vaginal yeast infections and other STDs, pelvic inflammatory disease (PID), and menstrual cycle changes. There is no cure. Treatment includes taking medicines to stop the virus from replicating, or making copies of itself.
    Keep in mind that the CDC recommends that routine screening for HIV should begin for all teens at age 13 and then repeated each year if they are at high risk for getting an HIV infection.

    Genital Warts (Human Papillomavirus (HPV))
    Genital warts that usually first appear as small, hard painless bumps on the penis, in the vaginal area, or around the anus. They sometimes can be hard to see, but if left untreated can turn into a fleshy, cauliflower-like appearance. Some people have no apparent symptoms. HPV is linked with a higher risk of cervical cancer in women.
    Gardasil, the HPV vaccine, will hopefully decrease the risk of getting genital warts and cervical cancer and can be given to girls between the ages of 9 and 26 years of age. (its like having a ribbed cok, but more ugly)
    Syphilis
    In the first (primary) stage, about 10 days to six weeks after exposure: a painless sore (chancre) or many sores that will heal on their own. If not treated, infection spreads to the next stage. Secondary stage: skin rash that usually does not itch and clears on its own. Fever, swollen lymph glands, sore throat, patchy hair loss, headaches, weight loss, muscle aches, and tiredness. Latent (hidden) stage: symptoms disappear, but infection remains in body and can damage the brain, nerves, eyes, heart, blood vessels, liver, bones, and joints. Late stage: not able to coordinate muscle movements, paralysis, numbness, gradual blindness, dementia, and possibly death. Can be completely cured, but can be caught again, especially if both sex partners aren't treated. ( not one of your grannys mates names)
     
    Last edited: Dec 28, 2009