cringing moment...have you ever had something similar?

Discussion in 'Waffle' started by BeyondTherapy, Jan 22, 2009.

  1. BeyondTherapy

    BeyondTherapy Well-Known Member

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    cringing moment...have you ever had something similar?

    my worst was ..........

    crying in a car park that some stole my car and then remembering i used the bus that morning!!

    then trying 2 leave with out people looking at me!!!

    :rinsed:
     
  2. moriaty

    moriaty Active Member

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    I was at a festival and didn't had taken a crap for close to three days. After some wandering about i met some cool people, we exchanged some drunken pleasantries and vibed off each other, and so i was invited to chill around their fire circle. We we're in wide open air, so before i sat down, i thought i'll slip out a cheeky silent fart. It was indeed silent, but long. Seconds after commiting the crime, the people i had just met started tacking horrendous facial expressions, and started asking if a sewer had just busted.

    For real man, that gas was offensive to all 6 senses. The smell dropped from your nose straight to you tongue and became taste, you could see and hear tiny blue flashes of methane igniting and sparkling around the fire, and the slap you would give yourself in the frantic attempt to cover your face with your hands would be a welcoming one, knowing the fate that comes with breathing the contaminated air around you. As far as the sixth sense, im almost certain that the motherfucker would permanently scar your Aura, and no Feng Shui or meditation could heal that shit. That blow was a permanent one.

    Pretty quickly it became obvious beyond any reasonable doubt to my new found possey that their recently acquainted Greek friend was indeed the mastermind behind the atrocity they had witnessed, as my bulging eyes and expression of sheer disbelief beaconed my guilty conscience like the Lighthouse of Alexandria. Seven people, staring right at me, absolutely speechless. They were sat down whilst i was still standing, absolutely petrified, and processing in my head hundreds of jokes i could throw to lighten the situation. None seemed appropriate. I was in the frikkin spotlight, and i was failing. I might as well had been at O2 arena's stage in front of 20K people that expected me to be hilarious after a Bill Hicks and George Carlin warm up, and all my artillery being a single three-guys-go-into-a-pub joke of bellow average mirth range.
    It wasnt until i saw one of the girls leaning towards her mate, and discreetly whispering "i think he shat himself.." that my acid filled brain started entertaining the idea that i may actually have shat my pants; which filled me with enough fear to pee myself too. So in an instant after that comment i snapped out of it, gave em a military salute, and said in my best Texan accent "nice knowing ya'll, peace out !", and did a not so grand but certainly swift exit.

    The follow up:
    -Went to my tent to check if i had actually crapped my pants; i haden't. It was indeed just a humongous hot dog+lager induced gas emission.
    -I told one of my mates what had just happened. We never saw him again after that. Legend has it that if you visit the Welsh valley we were on a clear night with full moon, you can still hear him laughing his lungs out.

    -The next day i bumped into one of the girls from that possey, the one that had the other girl whispering to her about me shatting myself.
    I felt a tiny drop of pee squeezing threw my japs eye.

    I desperately tried to avoid eye contact with slapstick gestures that would put Rowan Atkinson to shame; but alas, she comes up to me with a cute big smile and kind blue eyes, and began with the pleasantries. I was uncomfortable to say the least, but she was cooler than a penguin's nipple. The more i heard her soft Bristol accent and began to realise that her body language was receptive and flirtatious, the more i loosened up and began using complete sentences than just "hea", "ahsh", "hef", and other slang that may had been popular amongst cavemen rappers. But at the same time i started to become suspicious about two things: why hasn't she mentioned last night's horror yet ? (tact i suppose..), and why on earth would she be into a guy that crapped his pants ?

    Twenty minutes into our bubbly conversation about techno, David Lynch, and the benefits of using blue skins over silver, all of my doubts had dissolved and replaced by expectations of accidental love, and the unmistakeable pleasant rumble of my Battle Management Centre kicking into gear, and distributing battle plans and target coordinates to all my involved cells. It seemed like an easy mission, done and dusted. The generals sat back on their armchairs feeling hopeful for the future

    Almost on cue, with the same hand that she had been playing her scarlet dreadlock all this time, she extends her hand and starts brushing my upper arm.
    She then starts leaning towards me.
    And just as one of the generals was sending tactical advancing instructions to HMS Tongue, she whispers softly:
    "you know, you shouldn't be ashamed, you know, about yesterday..".

    Fuck! Gordo's seasoned generals were caught with their pants down, basking like walruses about their almost certain success. Amateurs! Scheisse !

    Such was the shock to the system that the fact that HMS tongue failed to adhere to the abandonment protocol, and rudely protruded half an inch from my mouth, went unspotted by my global dignity satellites. They also failed to report the almost R.E.M. eye motion i was induced into, that were ludicrously pathetic attempts to avoid eye contact with the girl.

    A free spirited drop of pee attempts to escape through my urethra. I bravely held it in, with much pain and self sacrifice.

    After a few awkward moments, which felt like millennia to me (fucking Einstein...), with her still brushing my arm, she opens her lovely thin lips, and yelps in that sweet Bristol accent that had me hypnotised up until a few seconds ago:
    "you aren't embarrassed, are you ?"

    The renegade pee was getting closer to the sweet sweet freedom its soul desired.

    It seems though that the main defence matrix was active again, as the question mark did register, and did send commands for immediate response. Unfortunately the communications network was still under repair, and all that i coined together, in an very high pitched voice, was:
    "No. Not really ". (tongue still protruding, eyes barely making contact. )
    At that point i decided to do what all great warlords have done in the past, and risked with a fleeing inspiration:
    "Why should I ? it happens, doesn't it ?".

    The command centre is in utter panic. Betrayed by their own creator. Ceremonial Hara-kiris are being prepared amongst the generals.

    She immediately grabs my other upper arm, looks me right in the eyes, and says in the most empathetic voice i have ever heard:

    "I know exactly what it feels like ". . .

    HMS Tongue retracts at an eye's blink.

    "It happens to me too, more often than you would imagine ". . .

    Renegade pee freezes on its tracks. No further effort required for its containment.

    "Apart from my immediate family, you're the only person i have ever spoken to about this ". . .

    The generals who were just fractions from mortally severing their abdomen with their ceremonial katanas, hesitate and immediately turn their attention towards my conversation.

    She stays staring straight into my eyes, with the sort of bitter sweet smile someone has when is reunited with a long lost sibling. I can see a tear brewing in her big blues.

    Waves of high pressure relief tumble and twist with low pressure waves of disgust. A small storm brews in my brain. The boys had enough. They pull the big yellow eject handle. Gedafuckout

    I give her a quick but mighty bear hug, kiss her lips lightly, look her back in the eyes, and declare in the Greekest accent i have ever employed:



    "I have to pee".





    I left without looking back.
    I walked by myself 20 minutes into the surrounding woods.
    I found a nice tree branch and i unzipped. And whilst i was peeing, i realised that i couldnt for the life of me remember her name. Maybe its for the best.
     
    Last edited: Jan 22, 2009
  3. 1995ting

    1995ting Active Member

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    sorry gordo but I am NOT reading that

    need some cliffnotes

    NAO!
     
  4. clayasaurus

    clayasaurus wintermute

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    He shat out a gerbil
     
  5. Indi

    Indi Tha Original ThreadKilla!

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    When I was 15, I got some morning wood in class, not realising my fly was open and my dick popped out of my pants.
    To make matters worse, I went to an all-boys school and was in class with the only female teacher school. When she saw my soldier standing to attention, she naturally assumed that I was masturbating over her during class and proceeded to start beating my over the head with a heavy folder, while I crawled on my hands and knees for the exit, dick hanging out, and protesting my innocence.
     
  6. Rock*

    Rock* Member

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    Real of not, copy and pasted or not, youve got a good sense of humour (y) :D
     
  7. Gumby

    Gumby New Member

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    AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA


    omg. omg.


    AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

    :rofl: :rofl:

    fucken hell that is awesome. i wish i was there.
     
  8. logikz

    logikz I Am Not The King Staff Member

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    EAHEAHAEHAEHEAH THIS IS GALACTIC
     
  9. logikz

    logikz I Am Not The King Staff Member

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    GORDO THAT WAS A MOMENT OF LITERARY HISTORY. GORDO BIG FOR THE YEAR OF 09 TENNYSON STYLES SON
     
  10. Dan M

    Dan M hard gay northern bear

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    gordo= funny
     
  11. Dan M

    Dan M hard gay northern bear

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    surely that was never lived down
     
  12. slimbo011

    slimbo011 I've been naughty, I'm banned

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    bout 5 in the mornin in faliraki, me and a m8 were knockin on r mates hotel door for ages. these 2 kids walk by, 'can u get any pills m8'?. we were jus like no and talkin shit, then, mid sentence my m8s shorts fell to his ankles for some reason. i dropped to the floor pissing myself at these kids faces.

    funny for me, cringeworthy for ch4ndler.

    the end.
     
  13. moriaty

    moriaty Active Member

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    you really think that someone else wrote that ? think again..
    non fiction at its best.:andy:
     
  14. sam the dnb man

    sam the dnb man Variation

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    i went to some youth club with a few mates.

    i didnt sleep the night before and was hanging.

    i went to have a mix up on the decks and i was wondering why there wasnt any sound comin out of the left deck.

    i didnt even put the needle down...how fucking embarissing
     
  15. Fes Rock

    Fes Rock Nothing..........

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    U WOT M8?
    gordo that first paragraph had me in tears, gonna read this when i get a chance later. nothing like a long gordo story
     
  16. moriaty

    moriaty Active Member

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    sorry man, with me its either the whole story or nada. not footnote bizzniz here.
     
  17. Joey AdhD

    Joey AdhD sweaty scouser

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    EPIC.
     
  18. EWOKS

    EWOKS POTATOES GONNA POTATE

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    gordo .. you da man .. in one post, you have taken the throne
     
  19. JamesZero

    JamesZero aka Zero Beats

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    :word:

    That was a wicked read.
     
  20. Dan M

    Dan M hard gay northern bear

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    i thought she was gonna be dead kinky and into dudes shittin on her or summat when i got bout halfway thru it.