Anti-Jokes

Discussion in 'Waffle' started by spiderfran286, Jun 22, 2011.

  1. spiderfran286

    spiderfran286 "Yes, squid pro roe..." VIP Junglist

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    Why was six afraid of seven?

    It wasn't. Numbers are not sentient and thus incapable of feeling fear.


    Why did the chicken cross the road?

    Because it was a necessary condition for the joke to exist.


    A man walks into a bar....
    He is an alcoholic and its destroying his family....


    How many jews does it take to screw in a light bulb?
    1


    What did the farmer say when he lost his tractor?

    Where's my tractor?


    Your mum is so fat that when she dives into a pool she displaces a proportionately larger volume of water than people with less body mass.


    Knock knock.

    who's there?

    it's the police, your family has died in a terrible accident.


    A man walks into a bar. Unfortunately, he develops an epidural haematoma due to the blunt impact, and despite the best efforts of doctors, dies the next day.

    He had a wife and two children, with a third on the way.


    How many kangaroos does it take to fix a leaky water pipe?
    None, a kangaroo has neither the intelligence nor dexterity to do any kind of plumbing work.


    A duck walks into a bar. Animal control is promptly called and the duck is released in a nearby park.


    What's black and white and red all over?
    Nothing, as an object that is red all over does not have the capacity to also be black and white, unless we are taking shades of red under consideration, in which case you could take parts of the red qualities of the object in question and take them to the polar extremes of the visible spectrum, hence fulfilling the condition of being red, black and white.


    A horse walks into a bar

    The barman asks, "hey horse, why the long face?"

    To which the horse replies, "I've just been diagnosed with cancer."
     
  2. t345e

    t345e Well-Known Member VIP Junglist

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    I actually prefer these to regular jokes.
     
  3. 3rd degree

    3rd degree Member

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    What's sad about 3 black men driving a red pick-up truck over the edge of a cliff?


    They were my friends.
     
  4. rysk

    rysk Part-time waster VIP Junglist

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  5. richie_stix

    richie_stix gomby plz VIP Junglist

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    sure is win in here...
     
  6. JHSE23

    JHSE23 the yen VIP Junglist

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    What do you get when you cross chocolate chip and brownies?

    chocolate chip brownies
     
  7. alz

    alz compress to impress VIP Junglist

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    Alan Carr
     
  8. Forau

    Forau CONCUSSION RECS VIP Junglist

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    Same haha
     
  9. truce

    truce Member

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    An Englishman, Irishman and Scotsman walk into a bar. They each drink the alcoholic beverage most popular to their stereotype and have a thoroughly enjoyable night out, even vomiting in the process.











    The Irishman gets run over by a bus on the way home.
     
  10. noddynoodle

    noddynoodle Member

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    Yeah much funnier than the real punchlines ;p
     
  11. Jwood27

    Jwood27 VICTIM VIP Junglist

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    stolen from joey, but need to resurrect this thread

    Horse walks in to a bar. Barman says "why the long face?" The horse, being a horse and unable to understand the complexities of conversation, walks to the middle of the bar and shits on the floor
     
  12. t345e

    t345e Well-Known Member VIP Junglist

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    Though I'd resurrect this thread cos it's lulz.

    A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

    There's an Irishman, a homosexual, and a Jew standing at a bar. What a fine example of an integrated community.

    Your friend is so gay, he has consensual sex with other men. and enjoys it.

    A: Knock knock!
    B: Come in.

    What did the homeless man get for christmas?
    Nothing.

    Three blind mice walk into a pub. They are all unaware of their surroundings, so to derive humor from it would be exploitative.

    A duck walks into shop and says "Give me some Chapstick, put it on my bill!" But the cash register attendee doesn't speak English and cannot understand him. He does, however, question whether his God is punishing him because as all people know, Ducks cannot speak, however, this hallucination must be punishment for a horrid misdeed. The employee breaks down into tears and begins reciting prayer. The duck, slightly miffed, walks out, pondering why he'd need Chapstick anyway, since he has no lips.

    How do you make a plumber cry?
    You kill his family.
     
  13. Olllie

    Olllie Bom Bom Cloud VIP Junglist

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    What do you call a black man who flies a plane?

    A Pilot
     
  14. Hombre-J

    Hombre-J Currently Ballsacked VIP Junglist

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    What's blue and smells like yellow paint?

    Blue paint.


    What did Hitler say to his men before they got in their tanks?

    Men, get in your tanks.


    Why did the girl fall off the swing?

    Because she had no arms.
     
  15. ScottyEightSix

    ScottyEightSix HUGE EARS > COMEDY CHIN VIP Junglist

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    I cant believe I missed this first time round!
     
  16. Catsel

    Catsel Well☣Known Dismember VIP Junglist

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    after sex my balls started to hurt once. thought i had an std.

    but turned out i didn't.










    ...
     
  17. DJ NUERA

    DJ NUERA 5HEAD VIP Junglist

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    This are fucking incredible. I'm stealing some of these!
    Great work!
     
  18. subprime

    subprime Dysjoint VIP Junglist

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    Sure is anti-joke.com in here.

    An Irishman walks out of a bar.

    How many Jews does it take to change a light bulb?
    6. One to remove the light bulb, one to hold the ladder, one to stand ready to catch the light bulb in case it falls, a spotter to warn of possible hazards, someone to stand by the fuse box in case of electrocution and a health and safety officer to oversee the whole procedure and ensure that safety protocols are being correctly observed.