2017 Drum and Bass Predictions

Medd

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#1
It's that time of year again campers, a month late as usual but here are this year's DnB predictions.

If you missed last year's: https://dnbforum.com/threads/2016-drum-and-bass-predictions.189662/

Here's the original/ inspiration: http://onehouronedj.com/wordpress/wordpress/2015-drum-and-bass-predictions/

Enjoy:

February

Anti-EU DnB fans create Brexit Records and approach Foreign Concept to try and get him to change his name. They send a letter of admiration to Zero Tolerance. Lynx is set free in the Scottish Highlands. He is shot at by angry farmers until he placates them with heavy bass frequencies. Everyone keeps going on about how underrated Phil Tangent is, leading everyone to believe he’s overrated. Andy C starts his own label forgetting that he still owns Ram.

March

Chase & Status release their new album and win a Mercury Prize, gaining plaudits from the underground as well as the public – they send a crowing email to Sigma saying ‘nahnahneenahnah this is how we do it.’ A brawl breaks out at one of Andy C’s residency nights at XOYO after someone gets punched for making a ‘Mandy C’ joke. Vocalist Steo launches his own label.

April

After a police sting is it revealed that Soulvent Records have been receiving intimidating letters from Spearhead Records threatening to crush them under a deluge of liquid releases. The police operation is named ‘Soulvent Abuse’. When interviewed, a Met spokesperson insists the name is purely coincidental as ‘all names of operations are created by a randomising programme’. Emperor is afforded a police escort for his tour of Japan. Unfortunately, they do not allow him to carry out the purpose of his visit – to live-stream himself playing the latest video games that haven’t been released in the UK yet. Riya launches her own label called Arrears Recordings.

May

DJ Fresh, Vegas and Maldini continue to force D-Bridge to help them produce Bad Company tracks, at one point using (what the US government would term as) ‘Enhanced Interrogation Techniques’. At his next gig D-Bridge appears with a limp and a black eye. Someone approaches Kasra at a Critical Sound event asking ‘when’s Klax on?’ In recognition of the momentous occasion the music stops and a loud klaxon is sounded in the club, followed by the announcement, ‘KLAX have at least one fan’. Unfortunately for the fan, Klax were on at 7pm before the doors opened. MC Lowqui launches his own label called Understated Records.

June

Dub Phizix launches a never-ending live stream on his Youtube channel. The video is simply an empty room with the track ‘Marka’ playing in the background, entitled ‘Permanent Marka’. Optical’s incessant head bobbing erodes away one of his vertebrae requiring extensive surgery. This gives Ed Rush more time to produce with Audio, to everyone’s displeasure. DRS launches his own label called Drag Reduction Systems.

July

Culture shock sues Dimension for theft of intellectual property. In court Dimension just repeats everything Culture Shock’s lawyer says in a different voice. Goldie is interviewed by Jeremy Paxman about his world-changing array of Metalheadz merchandise. Paxman asks Goldie if he is ‘keeping it real’, prompting Goldie to call him an ‘uppity cunt’ live on the Channel 4. Ant TC1 dies of work exhaustion. His funeral is sponsored by Metalheadz. Vocalist James Sunderland launches his own label, Black Cats Creations.

August

DesignandBass starts producing again, his first Youtube video is ‘Luke n RSD – What a Plezent Vuw’. Nymfo reveals in a DNBArena interview that because of his moniker idiotic inbreds keep sending him dick-pics and regularly upload his dutty tunes to Pornhub. Pendulum return to play SW4. Later they reveal on social media that it is their contractual obligation with Warner Music to do so. This violates a tiny clause in the small print of their agreement; as a result, they lose their appearance fee. Rob Swire tweets a video of him claiming he doesn’t ‘give a flying fuck’, although an eagle-eyed fan points out you can see El Hornet weeping in the background. MC Strategy launches his own label called Pre-Planning Productions.

September

Skankandbass continues to post new music on his channel, though he decides that after two weeks of each video’s lifespan he will edit the end of description to either say ‘HIT’ or ‘MISS’. TC makes a DNB bootleg of Happy Birthday to play in his sets. Keeno is dropped from Hospital for being too into drum and bass. D-Bridge has a bridge named after him in Jamaica. MC Skittles launches his own label called Taste the Rainbow.

October

Calibre reveals he has three albums worth of drum and bass dubs, the earliest release is scheduled for 2030. A.M.C becomes aware of the irony of his small label being named ‘Titan’. He has a mental breakdown behind the decks and misses one of the seventy double drops in his hour-long set. No one notices. Villem and Break join forces; somehow the whole is greater than the sum of its parts and they increase their collective output by five times. 1991 starts his own label, Millennials Music.

November

DJ Fresh is served a smoothie in a restaurant where one of June Miller’s girlfriends works, it is comprised of 35% neurowank – he screams at her ‘that’s my fucking recipe, how fucking dare you, I’ve been making smoothies since before you were fucking born!’ Later that week June Miller find out that both their girlfriends have been talking to Vegas and Maldini on Ashley Madison, the notorious ‘life is short, have an affair’ website. Ram Records pay everyone off to keep quiet about the whole incident. MC GQ makes a topless appearance in GQ magazine. Naturally, Metalheadz release 1000 shirts on their website emblazoned with the picture. Collette Warren launches her own label called Down The Rabbit Hole Records.

December

BMG (and therefore Ram Records) is bought by Rupert Murdoch’s media conglomerate. The new Printworks venue closes after a disappointing year trying to compete with London’s other clubs. The owner reveals in a press release that he ‘didn’t realise Fabric would re-open’. Electrosoul System is recognised with a 'Best Newcomer Award' at the DrumandBassArena Awards, despite having been in the game for over a decade. Makoto sends an angry AIM to Eastcolors claiming his moniker is racist. DJ Die dies – (Mistabishi tweets ‘haha finally!1!’)





















Alix Perez launches his own clothing line.
 
Last edited:

elspectro29

Fat Business Man
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#16
do we get a 2018 predictions?
I got a few :teeth:
Culture Shock announces that after the Sequence Series is finished he will leave RAM to start his own label, Concorde Music. The first release is scheduled for April 2022.


Kid Drama announces he will start a new label but is quickly reminded that CNVX already exists.


Danny Byrd shows up to play at a Hospitality event with long hair and is denied entry because nobody recognizes him.


Klute puts out a press release for his latest single entirely in Swahili.


High Contrast, after taking a look in the mirror and seeing how ridiculous his hair looks with his receding hairline, shaves his head, and, inspired by his new look, finally moves to Los Angeles, where he successfully convinces Baron to make drum & bass again.


Spor releases an EP on an obscure torrenting site nobody has ever heard of and pulls the seed after 45 minutes. Three people end up with the release, none of whom know who Spor even is.


Bryson loses 20 kg, but after constantly getting mistaken for Teebee at every gig he plays, intentionally puts the weight back on.


Tokyo Prose starts a label.


Audio is finally dropped from RAM after submitting two particularly dire tunes. Andy C is quoted as saying “his output lately has been rubbish, even by our standards.” Audio subsequently signs to Blackout.


Samurai release a V/A EP of actual whale sounds. Nobody notices.


dBridge departs from the reformed Bad Company. His official reason is to spend more time with his family, but this is put in doubt when the next day he is spotted walking around Wichita by himself taking video for his next concept.


Serum and Benny L release an EP on Dispatch Limited entitled “I usually don’t like jump up, but...” DRS approves.


A third member of the Dawn Wall/Mohican Sun “tribe”, Autumn Niagara, appears, but nobody cares about the concept anymore so it is quietly retired.


Instra:mental play some more reunion shows and announce a movie about them will be made, with Jason Statham playing Boddika and David Schwimmer playing Kid Drama.


John B is struck by lightning while wearing his Bernie Sanders shirt, which comes alive and begins giving political speeches.


Rene LaVice broadcasts his show live from Let It Roll, and in an effort to put his showmanship over the top, sets himself on fire during his set. Though he burns to death, the show gets record ratings. In an effort by the BBC to get someone more low-key to replace him, Calibre is tapped to subsequently host the show. His first episode is composed entirely of his own unreleased music.


Friction admits that no, he is not seriously ill, he just looks like that.


Calibre and dBridge hold a competition to see whose falsetto singing voice is better. dBridge is declared the winner because people can actually understand what he’s saying.


Sub Focus reveals that the reason his third album has taken so long to come out is that Fresh died in 2015 and he’s been impersonating him ever since.
 

K!NET!K

Active Member
Messages
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Likes
65
#18
It's that time of year again campers, a month late as usual but here are this year's DnB predictions.

If you missed last year's: https://dnbforum.com/threads/2016-drum-and-bass-predictions.189662/

Here's the original/ inspiration: http://onehouronedj.com/wordpress/wordpress/2015-drum-and-bass-predictions/

Enjoy:

February

Anti-EU DnB fans create Brexit Records and approach Foreign Concept to try and get him to change his name. They send a letter of admiration to Zero Tolerance. Lynx is set free in the Scottish Highlands. He is shot at by angry farmers until he placates them with heavy bass frequencies. Everyone keeps going on about how underrated Phil Tangent is, leading everyone to believe he’s overrated. Andy C starts his own label forgetting that he still owns Ram.

March

Chase & Status release their new album and win a Mercury Prize, gaining plaudits from the underground as well as the public – they send a crowing email to Sigma saying ‘nahnahneenahnah this is how we do it.’ A brawl breaks out at one of Andy C’s residency nights at XOYO after someone gets punched for making a ‘Mandy C’ joke. Vocalist Steo launches his own label.

April

After a police sting is it revealed that Soulvent Records have been receiving intimidating letters from Spearhead Records threatening to crush them under a deluge of liquid releases. The police operation is named ‘Soulvent Abuse’. When interviewed, a Met spokesperson insists the name is purely coincidental as ‘all names of operations are created by a randomising programme’. Emperor is afforded a police escort for his tour of Japan. Unfortunately, they do not allow him to carry out the purpose of his visit – to live-stream himself playing the latest video games that haven’t been released in the UK yet. Riya launches her own label called Arrears Recordings.

May

DJ Fresh, Vegas and Maldini continue to force D-Bridge to help them produce Bad Company tracks, at one point using (what the US government would term as) ‘Enhanced Interrogation Techniques’. At his next gig D-Bridge appears with a limp and a black eye. Someone approaches Kasra at a Critical Sound event asking ‘when’s Klax on?’ In recognition of the momentous occasion the music stops and a loud klaxon is sounded in the club, followed by the announcement, ‘KLAX have at least one fan’. Unfortunately for the fan, Klax were on at 7pm before the doors opened. MC Lowqui launches his own label called Understated Records.

June

Dub Phizix launches a never-ending live stream on his Youtube channel. The video is simply an empty room with the track ‘Marka’ playing in the background, entitled ‘Permanent Marka’. Optical’s incessant head bobbing erodes away one of his vertebrae requiring extensive surgery. This gives Ed Rush more time to produce with Audio, to everyone’s displeasure. DRS launches his own label called Drag Reduction Systems.

July

Culture shock sues Dimension for theft of intellectual property. In court Dimension just repeats everything Culture Shock’s lawyer says in a different voice. Goldie is interviewed by Jeremy Paxman about his world-changing array of Metalheadz merchandise. Paxman asks Goldie if he is ‘keeping it real’, prompting Goldie to call him an ‘uppity cunt’ live on the Channel 4. Ant TC1 dies of work exhaustion. His funeral is sponsored by Metalheadz. Vocalist James Sunderland launches his own label, Black Cats Creations.

August

DesignandBass starts producing again, his first Youtube video is ‘Luke n RSD – What a Plezent Vuw’. Nymfo reveals in a DNBArena interview that because of his moniker idiotic inbreds keep sending him dick-pics and regularly upload his dutty tunes to Pornhub. Pendulum return to play SW4. Later they reveal on social media that it is their contractual obligation with Warner Music to do so. This violates a tiny clause in the small print of their agreement; as a result, they lose their appearance fee. Rob Swire tweets a video of him claiming he doesn’t ‘give a flying fuck’, although an eagle-eyed fan points out you can see El Hornet weeping in the background. MC Strategy launches his own label called Pre-Planning Productions.

September

Skankandbass continues to post new music on his channel, though he decides that after two weeks of each video’s lifespan he will edit the end of description to either say ‘HIT’ or ‘MISS’. TC makes a DNB bootleg of Happy Birthday to play in his sets. Keeno is dropped from Hospital for being too into drum and bass. D-Bridge has a bridge named after him in Jamaica. MC Skittles launches his own label called Taste the Rainbow.

October

Calibre reveals he has three albums worth of drum and bass dubs, the earliest release is scheduled for 2030. A.M.C becomes aware of the irony of his small label being named ‘Titan’. He has a mental breakdown behind the decks and misses one of the seventy double drops in his hour-long set. No one notices. Villem and Break join forces; somehow the whole is greater than the sum of its parts and they increase their collective output by five times. 1991 starts his own label, Millennials Music.

November

DJ Fresh is served a smoothie in a restaurant where one of June Miller’s girlfriends works, it is comprised of 35% neurowank – he screams at her ‘that’s my fucking recipe, how fucking dare you, I’ve been making smoothies since before you were fucking born!’ Later that week June Miller find out that both their girlfriends have been talking to Vegas and Maldini on Ashley Madison, the notorious ‘life is short, have an affair’ website. Ram Records pay everyone off to keep quiet about the whole incident. MC GQ makes a topless appearance in GQ magazine. Naturally, Metalheadz release 1000 shirts on their website emblazoned with the picture. Collette Warren launches her own label called Down The Rabbit Hole Records.

December

BMG (and therefore Ram Records) is bought by Rupert Murdoch’s media conglomerate. The new Printworks venue closes after a disappointing year trying to compete with London’s other clubs. The owner reveals in a press release that he ‘didn’t realise Fabric would re-open’. Electrosoul System is recognised with a 'Best Newcomer Award' at the DrumandBassArena Awards, despite having been in the game for over a decade. Makoto sends an angry AIM to Eastcolors claiming his moniker is racist. DJ Die dies – (Mistabishi tweets ‘haha finally!1!’)





















Alix Perez launches his own clothing line.
I was unaware of this. Tremendous.
 

808 Dnb

Well-Known Member
VIP Junglist
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#19
I got a few :teeth:
Culture Shock announces that after the Sequence Series is finished he will leave RAM to start his own label, Concorde Music. The first release is scheduled for April 2022.


Kid Drama announces he will start a new label but is quickly reminded that CNVX already exists.


Danny Byrd shows up to play at a Hospitality event with long hair and is denied entry because nobody recognizes him.


Klute puts out a press release for his latest single entirely in Swahili.


High Contrast, after taking a look in the mirror and seeing how ridiculous his hair looks with his receding hairline, shaves his head, and, inspired by his new look, finally moves to Los Angeles, where he successfully convinces Baron to make drum & bass again.


Spor releases an EP on an obscure torrenting site nobody has ever heard of and pulls the seed after 45 minutes. Three people end up with the release, none of whom know who Spor even is.


Bryson loses 20 kg, but after constantly getting mistaken for Teebee at every gig he plays, intentionally puts the weight back on.


Tokyo Prose starts a label.


Audio is finally dropped from RAM after submitting two particularly dire tunes. Andy C is quoted as saying “his output lately has been rubbish, even by our standards.” Audio subsequently signs to Blackout.


Samurai release a V/A EP of actual whale sounds. Nobody notices.


dBridge departs from the reformed Bad Company. His official reason is to spend more time with his family, but this is put in doubt when the next day he is spotted walking around Wichita by himself taking video for his next concept.


Serum and Benny L release an EP on Dispatch Limited entitled “I usually don’t like jump up, but...” DRS approves.


A third member of the Dawn Wall/Mohican Sun “tribe”, Autumn Niagara, appears, but nobody cares about the concept anymore so it is quietly retired.


Instra:mental play some more reunion shows and announce a movie about them will be made, with Jason Statham playing Boddika and David Schwimmer playing Kid Drama.


John B is struck by lightning while wearing his Bernie Sanders shirt, which comes alive and begins giving political speeches.


Rene LaVice broadcasts his show live from Let It Roll, and in an effort to put his showmanship over the top, sets himself on fire during his set. Though he burns to death, the show gets record ratings. In an effort by the BBC to get someone more low-key to replace him, Calibre is tapped to subsequently host the show. His first episode is composed entirely of his own unreleased music.


Friction admits that no, he is not seriously ill, he just looks like that.


Calibre and dBridge hold a competition to see whose falsetto singing voice is better. dBridge is declared the winner because people can actually understand what he’s saying.


Sub Focus reveals that the reason his third album has taken so long to come out is that Fresh died in 2015 and he’s been impersonating him ever since.
Pretty realistic list IMO
 
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