2017 Drum and Bass Predictions

Discussion in 'Drum & Bass' started by Medd, Jan 31, 2017.

  1. Medd

    Medd Active Member

    Joined:
    Nov 27, 2013
    Messages:
    183
    Likes Received:
    83
    Location:
    London/ Leeds
    It's that time of year again campers, a month late as usual but here are this year's DnB predictions.

    If you missed last year's: https://dnbforum.com/threads/2016-drum-and-bass-predictions.189662/

    Here's the original/ inspiration: http://onehouronedj.com/wordpress/wordpress/2015-drum-and-bass-predictions/

    Enjoy:

    February

    Anti-EU DnB fans create Brexit Records and approach Foreign Concept to try and get him to change his name. They send a letter of admiration to Zero Tolerance. Lynx is set free in the Scottish Highlands. He is shot at by angry farmers until he placates them with heavy bass frequencies. Everyone keeps going on about how underrated Phil Tangent is, leading everyone to believe he’s overrated. Andy C starts his own label forgetting that he still owns Ram.

    March

    Chase & Status release their new album and win a Mercury Prize, gaining plaudits from the underground as well as the public – they send a crowing email to Sigma saying ‘nahnahneenahnah this is how we do it.’ A brawl breaks out at one of Andy C’s residency nights at XOYO after someone gets punched for making a ‘Mandy C’ joke. Vocalist Steo launches his own label.

    April

    After a police sting is it revealed that Soulvent Records have been receiving intimidating letters from Spearhead Records threatening to crush them under a deluge of liquid releases. The police operation is named ‘Soulvent Abuse’. When interviewed, a Met spokesperson insists the name is purely coincidental as ‘all names of operations are created by a randomising programme’. Emperor is afforded a police escort for his tour of Japan. Unfortunately, they do not allow him to carry out the purpose of his visit – to live-stream himself playing the latest video games that haven’t been released in the UK yet. Riya launches her own label called Arrears Recordings.

    May

    DJ Fresh, Vegas and Maldini continue to force D-Bridge to help them produce Bad Company tracks, at one point using (what the US government would term as) ‘Enhanced Interrogation Techniques’. At his next gig D-Bridge appears with a limp and a black eye. Someone approaches Kasra at a Critical Sound event asking ‘when’s Klax on?’ In recognition of the momentous occasion the music stops and a loud klaxon is sounded in the club, followed by the announcement, ‘KLAX have at least one fan’. Unfortunately for the fan, Klax were on at 7pm before the doors opened. MC Lowqui launches his own label called Understated Records.

    June

    Dub Phizix launches a never-ending live stream on his Youtube channel. The video is simply an empty room with the track ‘Marka’ playing in the background, entitled ‘Permanent Marka’. Optical’s incessant head bobbing erodes away one of his vertebrae requiring extensive surgery. This gives Ed Rush more time to produce with Audio, to everyone’s displeasure. DRS launches his own label called Drag Reduction Systems.

    July

    Culture shock sues Dimension for theft of intellectual property. In court Dimension just repeats everything Culture Shock’s lawyer says in a different voice. Goldie is interviewed by Jeremy Paxman about his world-changing array of Metalheadz merchandise. Paxman asks Goldie if he is ‘keeping it real’, prompting Goldie to call him an ‘uppity cunt’ live on the Channel 4. Ant TC1 dies of work exhaustion. His funeral is sponsored by Metalheadz. Vocalist James Sunderland launches his own label, Black Cats Creations.

    August

    DesignandBass starts producing again, his first Youtube video is ‘Luke n RSD – What a Plezent Vuw’. Nymfo reveals in a DNBArena interview that because of his moniker idiotic inbreds keep sending him dick-pics and regularly upload his dutty tunes to Pornhub. Pendulum return to play SW4. Later they reveal on social media that it is their contractual obligation with Warner Music to do so. This violates a tiny clause in the small print of their agreement; as a result, they lose their appearance fee. Rob Swire tweets a video of him claiming he doesn’t ‘give a flying fuck’, although an eagle-eyed fan points out you can see El Hornet weeping in the background. MC Strategy launches his own label called Pre-Planning Productions.

    September

    Skankandbass continues to post new music on his channel, though he decides that after two weeks of each video’s lifespan he will edit the end of description to either say ‘HIT’ or ‘MISS’. TC makes a DNB bootleg of Happy Birthday to play in his sets. Keeno is dropped from Hospital for being too into drum and bass. D-Bridge has a bridge named after him in Jamaica. MC Skittles launches his own label called Taste the Rainbow.

    October

    Calibre reveals he has three albums worth of drum and bass dubs, the earliest release is scheduled for 2030. A.M.C becomes aware of the irony of his small label being named ‘Titan’. He has a mental breakdown behind the decks and misses one of the seventy double drops in his hour-long set. No one notices. Villem and Break join forces; somehow the whole is greater than the sum of its parts and they increase their collective output by five times. 1991 starts his own label, Millennials Music.

    November

    DJ Fresh is served a smoothie in a restaurant where one of June Miller’s girlfriends works, it is comprised of 35% neurowank – he screams at her ‘that’s my fucking recipe, how fucking dare you, I’ve been making smoothies since before you were fucking born!’ Later that week June Miller find out that both their girlfriends have been talking to Vegas and Maldini on Ashley Madison, the notorious ‘life is short, have an affair’ website. Ram Records pay everyone off to keep quiet about the whole incident. MC GQ makes a topless appearance in GQ magazine. Naturally, Metalheadz release 1000 shirts on their website emblazoned with the picture. Collette Warren launches her own label called Down The Rabbit Hole Records.

    December

    BMG (and therefore Ram Records) is bought by Rupert Murdoch’s media conglomerate. The new Printworks venue closes after a disappointing year trying to compete with London’s other clubs. The owner reveals in a press release that he ‘didn’t realise Fabric would re-open’. Electrosoul System is recognised with a 'Best Newcomer Award' at the DrumandBassArena Awards, despite having been in the game for over a decade. Makoto sends an angry AIM to Eastcolors claiming his moniker is racist. DJ Die dies – (Mistabishi tweets ‘haha finally!1!’)





















    Alix Perez launches his own clothing line.
     
    Last edited: Feb 2, 2017
    Sonar000Hz, Snowyz, Vanden and 14 others like this.
  2. JPower

    JPower Member

    Joined:
    May 26, 2014
    Messages:
    68
    Likes Received:
    27
    "D-Bridge has a bridge named after him in Jamaica" this got me way more than it should have
     
    LienN, SteveR94 and OneSeventy like this.
  3. Fallen.GeMiNi

    Fallen.GeMiNi 3rd rate banger merchant VIP Junglist

    Joined:
    Jul 21, 2010
    Messages:
    4,625
    Likes Received:
    896
    Location:
    Decin, Czech Republic
    Some pretty good ones in there, "Culture shock sues Dimension for theft of intellectual property. In court Dimension just repeats everything Culture Shock’s lawyer says in a different voice." is a killer :teeth:
     
    Hash'N'Tag, SteveR94, Vydx and 2 others like this.
  4. Vydx

    Vydx nondescript VIP Junglist

    Joined:
    Dec 1, 2013
    Messages:
    2,872
    Likes Received:
    2,000
    :lol:
     
    Hash'N'Tag and Exxcessivve like this.
  5. elspectro29

    elspectro29 Fat Business Man VIP Junglist

    Joined:
    Nov 8, 2014
    Messages:
    1,550
    Likes Received:
    916
    Location:
    RVA
    Yeah, was hoping for something along those lines :lol:
     
  6. elspectro29

    elspectro29 Fat Business Man VIP Junglist

    Joined:
    Nov 8, 2014
    Messages:
    1,550
    Likes Received:
    916
    Location:
    RVA
    Also I love the running joke of artists making their own labels each month, reminds me of the Break thing from the original
     
  7. Evizon

    Evizon Guest

    "Permanent Marka" for fuck's sake hahahah
     
    Jwood27 likes this.
  8. Exxcessivve

    Exxcessivve Dawn Wall VIP Junglist

    Joined:
    May 6, 2012
    Messages:
    1,048
    Likes Received:
    350
    Location:
    Perth
  9. Hash'N'Tag

    Hash'N'Tag Water is not life, Liquid is.

    Joined:
    Dec 8, 2016
    Messages:
    39
    Likes Received:
    17
    Great job dude, hilarious! The Klax and A.M.C ones got me off my chair for a while (why so mean :D )
     
  10. Medd

    Medd Active Member

    Joined:
    Nov 27, 2013
    Messages:
    183
    Likes Received:
    83
    Location:
    London/ Leeds
    Haha the Klax bit actually came to me after a saw a video on Foreign Concept's social media taking the piss out of them, claiming they have no fans
     
  11. Jwood27

    Jwood27 VICTIM VIP Junglist

    Joined:
    Oct 13, 2009
    Messages:
    8,214
    Likes Received:
    1,383
    Location:
    London
    Permanent marka was mild genius