2016 Drum and Bass Predictions

Medd

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#1
Obviously inspired by this stellar piece of writing from last year:http://onehouronedj.com/wordpress/2015-drum-and-bass-predictions/
I felt like someone had to do a version for this year, obviously it's a bit late to do January and it doesn't match up to the original... Hope you enjoy it!

February
Culture Shock recalls and tracks down every digital and vinyl copy of ram 200 so he can tweak the mixdown on Piano Dark one more time. Dub Phizix and Strategy split citing comedic differences, Dub Phizix new MC is Harry Hill and Strategy leaves to join Kurupt FM. Chimpo is made an honorary member of London Zoo. Andy C achieves his life goal of dropping seven tracks in one minute at one of his All Night shows, the following month the Queen comes to see him at Alexandra Palace and gurns so hard she makes her way through two sets of false teeth.

March
LSB headlines over Calibre at a Soul:In:Motion night, on the same night Calibre has a heart attack half way through his set when of the promoters reveals to him that Wilkinson has been playing a bootleg remix of 'Even If' in his sets for the last year. To mark the occasion of Calibre's death a coronation ceremony is held and LSB is made the King of Liquid.

April

Break has to have corrective eye surgery as he's been producing in front of his computer so much his eyes have turned into quadrilaterals. This only reduces his output by 3 percent, he goes on to release the equivalent of a terabyte of remixes and singles throughout the year. Emperor releases his new EP, along with a four hour video for each track showing his production process in Fruity Loops.

May
Bad Company continue their comeback tour but none of their original fans can attend as they're all too busy looking after their kids. Benton starts up a rival night to Ivy Lab's 20/20, called 420/420 in which only 140 jungle is played under a heavy smoky haze. Unsurprisingly it's shut down by the police 5 minutes into the first set of the night.

June
DJ Marky continues to use his technique in which he picks up his deck and balances it on his head while he's scratching, which goes down well until he does it at a festival and the wind knocks it off his head and on to his foot, breaking his metatarsal and ruling him out of Brazil's Copa America squad. Samurai releases a greatest hits album which is solely comprised of a ticking clock sped up to 170 BPM. K-tee gets kicked out of Shogun Audio by Friction, who claims he never does anything except sit around watching clips of Andy C sets on Youtube and it's making him feel insecure.

July
S.P.Y is recruited by MI6 and begins surveillance on the terrorist group Levelz. Renegade Hardware finally comes to an end, and Clayton goes back to his job as a crooked policeman, beating up Pakistani children. Dispatch re-release their entire 2011 catalogue in one month but change the names of every song and artist round and no-one notices the difference.


August

All of Serum's unreleased music is seized by the British Government as it is found out that listening to it whilst high on MDMA is the cure for Ebola. Calyx & TeeBee release their new album, which it turns out is has used exactly the same samples as their last one. Upon its release date they admit the reason it's so uninspired is because all their creative juices (along with the help of Lomax) have been channeled into their side project Dawn Wall. Once the mystery disappears Dawn Wall are dropped from Integral Records.

September
Random Movement tours round the USA accompanied by 10 British drum and bass fans who show the Americans how to dance and discourage them from wearing and bringing UV paint as it has been flying off them as they sweat and getting into people's eyes. Audio goes back to Virus and people start listening to/ buying his music again.

October
Noisia increase their output of radio shows to three a week, though they become solely comprised of strange unreleased instrumentals and irrelevant tracks they found on Soundcloud. Ivy Lab are commissioned to write the score for a Water Aid advert; upon release of the cripplingly emotional track there is a deluge of donations, which brings an end to the lack of drinking water in the whole of Africa. Ivy Lab try and bring one of their 20/20 nights to Kampala in Uganda but with little success.

November
Goldie hires out the London Philharmonic Orchestra and forces them to learn classical covers of every track in Metalheadz back catalogue; the project's recital causes three of the players' deaths from dehydration. Mistabishi's Facebook page is removed from their servers because he's such an irrelevant cretin.

December
Sigma co-produce Dizzee Rascal's comeback to grime with Chase & Status, but it all goes horribly awry as Sigma can't remember how to make any music that doesn't already sample another famous song. Break retires from Drum and Bass after an influential thinker of the day dismisses him as a third division banger merchant on a widely read electronic music internet platform.
 
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tyranny

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#6
"Dispatch re-release their entire 2011 catalogue in one month but change the names of every song and artist round and no-one notices the difference."

MEOWWWWW
 

Amenbreaker

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#15
This is quality, the Clayton, Levelz and Samurai bits cracked me up! Also, can someone explain the DLR/Halfords joke from the the original to me? That one went straight over my head
 

Hash'N'Tag

Water is not life, Liquid is.
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#18
"All of Serum's unreleased music is seized by the British Government as it is found out that listening to it whilst high on MDMA is the cure for Ebola".
Incredible mate haha nice creativity!
 
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