One time I showed my friend the waffle section (particularly, this thread) and he said this was the thanks booster thread... brool.
P.S. Sticky this thread!
Head of Religious Relationsa.k.a. HoRR
"Yo, I think this guy shit himself."
"It's prolly cuz you got a gun in his face, konoyarou, bakayarou (you dumb bastard)."
Thiz iz a neu paige moite
okay, so about 6 months ago there is some bad ass jamp ap rave at lakota in bristol... my bro used to go uni in bristol so knows a few heads there, and a few days before the rave some posh bird i've had a major crish on since time texts me asking if im going outta da blue... baring in mind this is recently after i broke up from a 7 year relationship, im pretty chuffed to say the least. But there is one hindrence, i'd started seeing someone... fortunately i convince her its not for her and so i set off with my bro and his missis up to bristol in my new-to-me bmw...
we arrive in btown, and head up to one of my bros mates flats and skin up a few biffs and drink a few beers... beer runs out pretty quick, so off to sains for more beers and pizza. after munching them down and sinking some more brews and billing a few more zootz, im lean to say the least! so we head off into town to another one of his mates house closer to the venue and where it was at apparently! so we arrive and i sit and drink some more stellas... must be in the region of 6-8 cans by now... and do some lines of dizzle. i bill another spliff, by this point id smoked about 4 or 5 and was LEAN in a place where i only knew like 4 other people, 2 of them being my bro and his missis. SO im sat in the middle on a chair stoned off my nut thinking 'damn that birds fine', and then 'oh shit, ive been staring' and then 'oh shit, her bf knows ive been staring'... luckily my bro and i wana get in on the dnb action (propz and rowney to be heard!) so we head out, battered as fuck.
we get to lakota and its going off, tunes are heavy... the beer is flowing in the way of cans of redstripe... i felt at home. however, the paranioa in me makes me realise there are bare dodgey fuckers in here, so i make a note to myself to try and keep it together and make sure i dont tread on anyones toes. as i walk into the main room, im litteral pounced on by this posh bird i mentioned earleir, venetia and we go and rave. so the night goes on, i consume more beer and dizzle and generally have a whale of a time. then things took a turn for the worse!
my bro, as usual, gets kicked out for being to fucked... probably had thrown up on someone aagain (another brool for another day ). so his missis comes up to me and tells us were leaving, but im adament im staying at the venetia birds flat and refuse to leave, so rose and gives me her phone (i'd left mine back at base camp cos it was expensive and brand new) and that is the last thing i remember for a good while.
next thing i know im stood chatting to some bird, and a security guard comes up to me and is like 'are you alright mate, we jsut saw you get punched on cctv, we've chucked the guy out wtc etc' and i'm like 'punched? wtf?'... so the bird im chatting to says id been chatting to her and her mates (including mr punchy) and that he was her ex and some real fighty cunt who had some rep in brizzle blah blah and was on mkat and clearly just didnt like the look of me so lamped me one! me being the debanaure and sauve guy i am manage to chat her up and we decide to go back to her mates place to link up (by this point, fuck knows waht had happened to the posh bird, but i regret it soooo much to this day!).
so i flash the cash and off in a taxi we go, to her mates place... we arrive and im like wtf, its some shitty council place wth BARE CONCRETE FLOORS but im also like IM GOING TO GET LAID so i think no more of it... after pestering this girl for weed, she finally offers me a drink, 'what do you have', i asked... 'err, vodka' was the reply... so i accept her glass of neat vodka and we chill out. things move into the bedroom, i get some titty action but then we both must have passed out (much of this story is pieced together, i hasten to add, as my memory was bleak at best after this night).
so i wake up in a random flat, no phone (that i knew of) and feeling guilty as i was technically seeing someone... so i bolted. I left that flat as dfast as my gimpy knee would carry me. it is at this point i realise i have no fucking clue where i am so i head for the nearest shop. when i get there i find its a 45 minute bus ride to the center (bearing in mind i dont know where my bros mates place is or where i am) so decide fuck it, taxi time! i go to the cash point, reach into my pocket and nothing. Fucking nothing. FFFUUU, id left it in this flat! what i did find was roses mobile and proceed to ring my bro, who has no idea where i am either and isnt of much help... so, back to the flat i go.
no answer on the intercom to get into the building for 10 minutes... so i ended up ringing another flat to get in (7.45 am!) and succeed... okay, one step closer to home! so im bangin on this door, shouting, all sorts, trying no to wake her neighbours but wake her up. however, after only 2 hours sleep, she wasnt getting up for shit! after half an hour of this banging and no luck, i decide i have to break in! so, arm through letter box (thanks fuck for being skinny!) and im scrabbling around... BANG, break the fucking letterbox off! fuck it, not my problem, so close to being in! however, this comotion must have roused the girl cos i hear life in the flat and quickly retract my arm.
she lets me in, looking more than a little pissed off... i lie about getting food or backi or some shit and locking myself out and she goes back to bed and im reunited with my wallet and backi and the like. so i have to lie next to her (she is topless mind, only in a thong) for three fucking hours whilst she sleeps. however, once i finally rouse her, she agrees to drive me to town. only her car is at her mums! FFFUUU, so we trapse to her mums, coming down like fuck and no weed in sight! i get introduced as 'richie, a friend'... her mum gives me a look that says, you've boned my daughter, but i dont mind (i fucking wish!). anyway, she drives me back to my bros mates after some fortunate memory re-appearance on my behalf and i rememeber roughly where it is. so, she drops me off, and we exchange numbers (she was actually cute, and sound, despite a west country accent) and go our seperate ways.
so, its about 1 in the afternoon by this point... i've had about 1-2 hours sleep and i cant get a fucking answer at my bros mates door... i chuck everything i have at the windows, and finally get back in. reunited with my sweat pants, phone and weed... HAPPY DAYS! so i bill a few spliffs, tell this story to everyone, and we pretyy much drive back home!
best night of my life... now that was brool!!!
another short but sweet tale of muggery.
I was walking through cassio park on my way back from school after a two hour detention, it was winter, so it was quite dark at this point. This like 12 year old kid, dressed head to toe in polyester, comes up to me and says
"what you got for me?"
"aww" and he walks off without saying another word....true story bro
My mates missus used to live in cardiff so 4 of us went up there for the weekend for the standard uni house party / mash up. I cant be bothered to go to far into details but by about 3 we were all fucked. Loads of people went out to a club but 3 of us stayed at the house with 2 birds one that looked like a special needs frog and one rather rotund bint.
We ended up going back to their place and one of my mates (Who was still a virgin) is clearly going to get his end away with the rotund girl so we leave them to it in a room. I fall asleep mashed off my tits somewhere and my other mate goes up stairs with the other girl.
This is were it gets fun.
I woke up in the morning on a sofa with no cushions, I'm wearing a jacket as a pair of trousers in an empty room with a big mirror in it, and there's a girl stood over me screaming asking who I am and how I got in. I get up not really knowing what to do, banging on all the doors trying to find my mates. Because I quite wanted to get the fuck out of there.
I found the first one in bed with the bint, limp condom on the floor. Obviously im overjoyed that hes got laid so I text all my friends and they all ring this guy to congratulate him.
He then has to explain that he was too drunk to get an erection and got a cheese grater blow job from this moose before passing out with a bottle of jack daniels, while this girls sat next to him, not looking to impressed.
We find my other mate upstairs with a black eye, he was going to fuck the special needs frog but she was on the blob and only realised when he felt the string. He recoiled in horror at this and as she was laying on him he got a fat fucking shoulder in the eye. We explain that we're going out to buy fags and she says "Ok hurry back and we'll go out for breakfast"
I take a shit in their toilet because im literally DYING and we fuck off (I dont flush) So we leave and realise we dont know where the fuck we are. Walk around for a bout an hour before my mate finally pipes up that his phone has sat nav. He then explains that he needs to go and "Wash his hands" and that he is only wearing one sock. We get back and bask in brool.